


in another world

by sebastian2017



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes as Captain America, Falling In Love, Identity Porn, Learning to trust, M/M, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers as the Winter Soldier, unestablished
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 31,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23335804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebastian2017/pseuds/sebastian2017
Summary: The world loses Steve Rogers in the Alps during a covert mission, when he falls of a train and is lost among the mountains. But Captain America is too valuable a symbol to lose, so the shield and title is passed on to - who else? - Bucky. At least until he dies as well, deep in the Arctic.Only it's not exactly the death everyone thought and when Bucky's fished out of the sea, the world gets Captain America again. And Bucky? He just gets too relearn how to live in a world that's changed so much since he was last awake. And all without Steve around. He's getting by and really, he thinks he's not doing too bad a job.That is, until some trained assassin with Steve's face shows up.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 29
Kudos: 104
Collections: Stucky: Canon Divergence





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: alcohol, grief
> 
> a fill for Stucky bingo, square: Role Reversal

"Someone needs to take the shield." 

It's the first words anyone has spoken in a few hours. Buck and the other Howlies have just been sitting around in shocked silence for a while, trying to drown the ache in alcohol. It's not very successful and Bucky's pretty sure he could drink the whole world's supply of alcohol and it wouldn't fix the ache of losing Steve, but it's not going to stop him from trying. So here he was, drinking in silence with the Howlies, because they all have the common sense to know that after losing a man, the last thing anyone wants to do is talk. And they'd all understood that without saying a word until Dugan - fucking Dugan - had gone and broken the silence with that of all things. 

Bucky sways a bit when he stands up, though considering how much he's drank, he should probably be thankful he's not tumbling down to the floor. He tries to glare, but his whole body is trembling too much, so it's more of a shaky scowl. There's someone holding him back, or else he'd probably have already tried to take a swing at him. "His body's not even  _ cold  _ and you want to talk about replacing him? What the fuck is wrong with you?" 

"I'm not talking about replacing him. No one could replace him," Dugan says, exceptionally calm considering Bucky is glaring at him murderously. "But that shield has come to mean something bigger than him. Bigger than all of us. It can't die with him. He wouldn't have wanted that." 

"And what the fuck do you know about what Steve would want? You didn't know him! None of you knew him. You knew... You knew Captain fucking America," Bucky spits out. 

Peggy descends from her spot in the wall, to be the peacemaker between them all as she's been more than once."You're right, we didn't know him the way you did, but Captain America had become a part of him, whether we like it or not. And Dugan's right. Someone does need to take the shield. It's more than just a shield now. It's a symbol and it brings people hope. It shouldn't die with him. Not like this." 

"Yeah, well... It's useless, anyway," Bucky grumbles, sitting back down and taking a long swig of his beer. "Ain't no one even half as good as him, so good luck finding someone to take the mantle." 

"Actually, Barnes... I have a pretty good idea who can do it." 

***

So somehow Bucky becomes Captain America. The whole things feels a bit like a betrayal to Steve's memory, because Bucky knows he's not even half the man Steve was, but everyone had been rather insistent on it and in the end, Bucky decided he'd rather take it himself and fail to fill the big shoes he's been given then have someone else take it and disrespect Steve's memory in the process. So he gets the shield and a ridiculous suit to wear and he's Captain America. 

For a little while, at least. Because it's only a short time later that he drives a plane into the ocean, shield and all. He tells himself that he's doing it out of a selfless desire to save the world, to make sure the war ends just a little bit sooner and there aren't more unnecessary deaths. But really, Bucky knows perfectly well that part of it is simply knowing that a world without Steve isn't a world worth living in. 

Except that doesn't work out either, because nothing in Bucky's life ever works out, does it? It just finds newer, more creative ways to get increasingly worse. Bucky's almost afraid to complain out loud, lest the world take that as a challenge and grow even worse than it currently is. It's hard enough to live in the modern world without his best friend, Bucky doesn't need it to grow any harder in any way. He's developed a routine and for his sake and everyone around him, he needs to stick to it. He spends most of his days cooped up in the little apartment SHIELD had set up for him and his nights, when he can't sleep and even the apartment feels like too much, he makes his way over to the shitty, rundown gym at the end of his street, with equipment that hasn't changed in several decades and feels almost like home. 

He doesn't really care what he does there, so long as it keeps him moving and too tired to think about anything. It's lonely there, in a way Bucky likes. Or, at least, it's usually lonely. Tonight Bucky is pounding away at a punching bag, wishing he could just feel something, anything at all, when out of nowhere, someone starts to speak from right behind him. 

"You don't fight the way I expected," she says. 

Bucky is very grateful for the many times the Howlies would try to scare each other during missions, because it's the only reason he doesn't flinch. He just turns around and takes in who'd snuck up on him. Some pretty redhead who Bucky would wager could probably kill him if he did what most men would and let his guard down just because she happens to look good. Bucky shrugs at her. 

"Is that supposed to be some sort of insult? Because trust me, I've heard much worse," Bucky informs her. 

"Not an insult," she says, coming closer to him and reaching out to stop the punching bag from where it's shaking on its chains. "It's just you fight like someone who wasn't really trained for it. Like a boy from Brooklyn, not a nation's hero." 

"Yeah, well... Probably 'cause I really am just a boy from Brooklyn. If you wanted a superhero, you should have met Steve. He was the real hero," Bucky informs her. 

"So I've heard. I'm Agent Romanoff. Nick Fury sent me," she explains.

Bucky sighs. That doesn't surprise him, but he wished it did. "I guess it's just too much to hope that the pretty girl is talking to me because she wants to and not because she has to, huh? What's Fury want this time?" 

"It's about the Avengers." 

****

So there he is, just some schmuck from Brooklyn who has no business wearing his dead buddy's suit and using his name, but still doing it anyway. And not just in any which way, but in a giant, flying military base, because the world stopped making sense a long time ago. The scifi nerd inside Bucky, the one who used to save up to buy those pulp novels with fantastical plots and made up technology, is overjoyed at all of this. It's far more impressive than anything he'd ever read and it's really here, not just words on paper. 

But every time Bucky sees something particularly impressive, he turns around to tell Steve something and his mood catapults upon remembering that Steve isn't there anymore. It's been decades for the world, but the wound is still fresh and raw to Bucky. He thinks it'll probably be that way for the rest of his life. He can't imagine he'll ever recover from losing the most important person in his life. Some days, he wishes it had been him who'd fallen out of that train, instead. Then he wouldn't have to be here, playing nice with people and trying to make sense of being in a team of superheroes saving the world against aliens and demigods.

(That one will probably never make sense, but a man can hope.) 

After everything that goes down in New York, the world is happy to accept him as Captain America. His face is all over the news for a week, talking about how he's properly inherited the title now, after a trial run in the short period of time between Steve's death and him going into the ice. People on the street stop him sometime, congratulating the new Captain America and asking for his picture. It seems to everyone else, this is something good. Worth celebrating. Like Bucky had just been standing around and waiting for the moment he could take his best friend's title from him. As though he deserves any of this. As though he could ever stand a chance at matching up to Steve. 

He hates it. Hates it with every fiber of his being. It's not right. No one should replace Steve, but definitely not him. He tries to remind himself that it's been far longer for them. They know Steve more as a legend than a real man and regardless, most of these people had never been alive at the same time as Steve. Bucky's sure that it's hard for them to see him as a real person and not just some mythical figure. Still, it makes him mad. Fills him with a painful sort of anger, the sort that he knows only Steve could have ever stood a chance at improving. He tries not to take it out on anyone, not because he cares about hurting anyone's feelings, but because he worries about ruining the reputation Steve had built up for Captain America. It's not much, but Bucky can at least honor his memory by making sure the reputation he'd built up remains. 

So Bucky ends up spending a lot of time in his apartment. He can't snap at anyone if he's never outside, after all. It's not the best plan in the world, but it's the only thing that really works. It's lonely at times, but Bucky occupies himself with television and on the internet, learning about all the things he'd missed out on. He wonders how Steve would have coped with all this. There's plenty of things Steve would have enjoyed, but he has a feeling he would have been overwhelmed by everything and tried to hide away, to handle all his feelings by himself without any help, like the tough soldier he always wanted to be. 

Not unlike, Bucky realizes, what he's doing right now. Hiding away from the world, only going out when it's on a mission, trying to work through every painful, complicated feeling by himself. If he'd seen Steve doing this, he would have cursed him out a million times over and told him to stop being such an idiot and go accept help from the people trying to give it. So even though Steve would have never done it, Bucky finds the meeting times for his local VA and shows up to one of the group meetings. He knows all these guys fought in different wars than him, but at the end of the day, war is war and losing friends hurts, no matter what flag is on the other guy's uniform. It might help. 

Or, at least, it might help if they ever get over the shock of seeing Captain America sitting at one of their meetings. It's meant to be anonymous, but no one is very good at pretending they don't know who he is. Instead, they take turns between looking politely at whoever's talking and just gaping at him in confusion. It's... not a very good feeling. Bucky almost leaves, but he's pretty sure that would make them stare more and besides, he doesn't want to wake up tomorrow to a scandal about how Captain America had been rude and left in the middle of some traumatized veterans talking about loss and grief. (Never mind the fact that he, too, is a traumatized veteran trying to work through loss and grief, he just so happens to have had his loss recorded in history books.) 

When it's over, he waits for everyone to make their way out, figuring it would be even worse to get caught in the hallway for uncomfortable small talk. So he slouches in his seat and stares down at his boots while everyone files out of the room, making it perfectly clear that he's not in the mood for small talk. Or, at least, making it perfectly clear to everyone except the facilitator, who is either extremely stubborn or extremely bad at reading body language, because he comes over and sits down right next to Bucky. 

"They'll start acting more normally soon. Everyone always gets a bit anxious when there's newcomers and usually, the newcomers aren't people they've seen on the news," he explains. "I'm Sam." 

Bucky looks at him dubiously before reaching out to shake his hand. "I guess you already know who I am." 

"Kind of hard not to. I gotta say, I thought I was seeing things when I looked up and saw Captain America walking into my meeting," Sam says, chuckling. 

"Just... Just Bucky is fine," he corrects. Bucky shakes his head and stares back down onto his lap. "Steve was Cap. I was just... his best friend who happened to be a convenient replacement. But I'm never going to really replace him. Captain America is... he's dead and I'm just playing a big game of pretend." 

"Sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. I can't imagine waking up seventy years in the future, let alone waking up seventy years in the future and having to take my friend's old title. Listen... I know those guys staring and being shocked the way they are doesn't make this the best of environments, but if you ever need someone to talk to, you're always welcome here. And I'm happy to make time outside of just these meetings." Sam pulls a small notepad out of his back pocket and jots his phone number down on it, which he slides over to Bucky. 

Bucky's half tempted to just crumple the paper up and forgot he'd ever even tried this, but he thinks about how disappointed Steve would be with him for not at least trying and decides one phone call can't hurt. "Sure. I've got to go. Avengers stuff. But maybe I'll call soon." 

"Oh yeah, of course. Good luck with the Avenger stuff, man." Sam squeezes his shoulder and then goes off, presumably to his office. 

Bucky doesn't really have Avengers stuff to do, but he's found it's the perfect excuse when he wants to leave without risking anyone stopping him for pictures or questions. After all, who's going to stop him when they think he's on his way to stop aliens or something? The perfect excuse. Besides, it makes him sound much cooler than if he simply says he has to go because he's going to spend a few hours moping in the Captain America exhibit in the Smithsonian. Bucky still has a reputation as the cool one to maintain. 

Wandering through a museum exhibit, very clearly holding back tears? Not so cool. But that doesn't stop him from going often. It's not even close to what he wants, but seeing Steve's life in larger than life pictures on the wall or watching the video clips of moments between them and the other Howlies... it makes him feel a little better. It's probably the closest he can get to comfort right now. Being so close to Steve's exhibit had probably been his favorite part of moving to DC. That and getting away from Brooklyn. Nothing about the borough he'd once grown up with is the same anymore and besides, it all feels wrong without Steve there by his side. 

Bucky had wanted to hold off a bit on it, to not come off as quite so desperate, but as soon as he gets home, he sits down with his phone and sends a text out to Sam, He has to be at his best to successfully do all the fighting required of an Avenger and SHIELD agent and getting so sad he almost can't function after walking around a silly museum exhibit is definitely not being at his best. The sooner he gets some help fixing himself, the better. He drafts up something to send to Sam, probably more like a letter than a text. It's something Tony teases him for quite often, but he has a feeling Sam won't mind it too much. 

_ {sms} Dear Sam, _

_ This is Bucky, from the VA earlier. (Captain America.) I hope this text finds you well. I thought about your offer and think it would do me very well. Perhaps we can work out a meeting? My schedule is, unfortunately, rather irregular, but if you give me a few available time slots, I'll try to clear my schedule and make it to one. Thanks for your offer.  _

_ Best, _

_ Bucky Barnes _

Bucky's only just hit sent on the message and started making his dinner when, not even five minutes later, his notifications ding with a reply. That's something else he's always forgetting about this century. How quickly everything is. He doesn't mind it, it's incredibly convenient and he's sure it would have done a world of good back in his day, but it does always catch him a bit off guard. He abandons the potatoes he's peeling and wipes his hands off on his jeans so he can read Sam's reply. As expected, it's far less formal, the type of texting etiquette that Bucky's still trying to wrap his head around. 

_ {sms} Hey, man. I'm glad you're reaching out. I'd love to meet. I'm pretty flexible in my schedule too and I'm pretty sure most of my bosses would agree that saving the world with the Avengers is more important than a few meetings, so I could definitely move some stuff around to meet you when you need. But I'm usually pretty free Monday and Thursday afternoons. Maybe we could meet up at some time then?  _

Bucky takes Sam's lead in opting out of singing his texts and replies a few times to find a time that, barring any emergencies on either of their parts, should work for all of them. It's definitely an odd feeling, admitting he needs some outside help like this and going out of his way to get it, but he's sure Steve would be proud of him and that's usually what Bucky cares about the most when he does anything. He knows he's probably projecting a fair deal onto his memory of Steve and that Steve would have probably been just as stubborn as Bucky, but whatever gets the job done. He knows Steve would have at least agreed with that. 

When he goes to his meeting with Sam, a very lowkey and casual afternoon coffee together in Sam's office, Bucky just has to keep reminding himself that he's doing this for Steve, so he doesn't just panic and run off. Even when he reaches up to knock on Sam's door, he's still second guessing himself. But he doesn't let himself think too much as he knocks, going past the point of no return. And sure enough, a second later, Sam opens the door and greets him with a friendly smile, and he really can't leave now. 

"Bucky! Good to see you again, man. Come on in. I've got a Keurig set up in the corner. Know how to use one of those?" Sam asks, starting to go in and ushering Bucky in. 

He nods. Figuring out coffee had practically been the first thing he'd done in this century. "I'm well versed in a Keurig, thanks." 

"Of course. I remember how I lived off coffee when I was deployed. I can only imagine it was worse for you and your boys back in the 40s," Sam says. He clears up some space on his desk and hands Bucky a mug for his coffee. 

Bucky gets himself one of those ridiculous flavored pods, one part of the 21st century he's very much enjoying, and sits down across from Sam. "Oh yeah. We practically lived off this stuff when we were on the field. Steve... back home, Steve could never really drink anything with too much caffeine. It made his heart go way too fast and he wasn't big and healthy like he was as Cap back then. Just a tiny little thing. So when we were out on the field and he could finally have it... Man, Steve lived off caffeine and all the unhealthy stuff he'd never been able to have as a kid." 

"Yeah, I've seen those old pictures at the Captain America exhibit. He definitely seemed like the kind of kid who shouldn't have been drinking all those sugary stuff kids love," Sam agrees. 

"Yeah. There were lots of stuff Stevie shouldn't have been doing, but it never really stopped him. I think he'd have liked being here with all these new things. He'd have loved to try everything out," Bucky says, sighing a bit at the memories. "There's lots of stuff that really ain't fair, but boy, sometimes I see all these new things everywhere and all I can think of is how much Steve would have liked discovering it all. It's a damn shame." 

"He seemed like a great guy. Don't underestimate yourself, though. You're a hero just like he was. I'm sure he'd agree. And I'm sure if he was here instead of you, he'd be talking about how it should be you getting to see all these things instead of him," Sam points out. 

Bucky sighs again and leans back slightly in his chair. He knows that's true, as frustrating as it is. Steve here all alone in this time, like Bucky is right now, would probably be annoyingly selfless like he'd always have been. Feeling just as undeserving of it all as Bucky does right now. Bucky knows that. Still, it doesn't do much to make him feel better. "Steve would... Without a doubt be sulking everywhere, feeling like he let everyone down for not single handedly saving the whole world. Not to mention the crazy survivor's guilt he'd have. I'm tellin' ya, Stevie... Man, Stevie used to feel bad every flu season for recovering when other people passed away from it. He was just the most ridiculous kid you could imagine." 

"I bet," Sam agrees. "It's hard enough losing people in the field, I can only imagine it's worse when it's someone you knew for so long." 

Bucky recognizes the way Sam is keeping his end of the conversation, light and open ended to encourage Bucky to talk as much as possible without feeling pressured, but he doesn't mind it so much. Truth be told, it's a nice change of pace. Besides, they both know this isn't just a friendly get together for tea. Bucky would have been at one of the group sessions like anyone else if he could. "It's hard. I miss all the boys, but Steve... He was my best friend. He was practically my world. It doesn't help that he's everywhere, too. Like he was some sort of cartoon and not a real person. It's frustrating, seeing everyone going around, acting like they knew him, when they didn't. They knew a character he played." 

"I can't imagine what that must be like for you. I know it's not the same, but I lost my best friend in the service. We worked together, pretty top secret stuff, so I couldn't even really talk about it with anyone when I came home. That was... tough. And, I'd imagine, just a fraction of what you're going through. I know it's not quite the same and that the group isn't really working out at the moment, but you can talk to me any time. Even when I don't understand, I've been told I'm a pretty good listener," Sam offers. 

"You are. You seem like a good guy, Sam. Steve would have liked you," Bucky says, because that's how he usually doles out compliments to people. 

"Seal of approval from not one, but two Caps? Man, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world right now," Sam laughs. 

That's definitely an interesting way to put it and though Bucky normally resents when he's referred to as Cap, he doesn't mind it so much when it happens while also acknowledging Steve's time as Cap. Bucky's not sure how long an informal meeting like this is supposed to last, but he ends up staying for a while, not even spending as much time as expected talking about Steve and Bucky's grief. They spend a good deal of time just making small talk, which Bucky appreciates a great deal. Most people still treat him like some inanimate object incapable of real emotion, while Sam still manages to treat Bucky like an actual human being. It's a welcome change and Bucky's rather regretful when he actually does have to leave, even if he and Sam already make their plans to meet up again soon. 

Of course, those plans end up completely ruined, because what else in his life hasn't been in these days? Before he can meet up with Sam again, he gets sent on a mission that confirms the gut instincts he'd always had that SHIELD might not be quite as innocent as he'd once expected. Not entirely surprising, but disappointing nonetheless. And, of course, because for Bucky, trouble comes in batches, he manages to become a government fugitive at the same time as it all goes down. If only Bucky had known this would end up being his life when he first got his recruitment letter for the army. He might have thought twice about rejecting the offer to get sent home after Azzano. (Who's he kidding, he would have followed Steve to the end of the world. He just never expected that to mean seventy years in the future.) 

Bucky doesn't even know where to start with all of this. He's starting to feel about as worthless as ever, tailing around behind Natasha and trying not to get them caught and thrown into some SHIELD containment center. When he and Natasha need somewhere in the city to lie low, though, that's Bucky's time to shine. Because sure, he's only met Sam twice before and doing this means dragging Sam into a world of trouble, but... Bucky's always been pretty good at reading people and he has a good feeling that Sam won't mind this sort of intrusion. 

Sure enough, Bucky doesn't even need to explain before Sam ushers the two of them inside and puts a pot of coffee on the stove. 

"So, you want to explain what two Avengers are doing in my kitchen? Anything to do with all those police cars holding up traffic in the city yesterday?" Sam asks. 

"I don't even know where to start, Sam." Bucky sighs. 

He does his best, at least, starting with the most important facts they have. They can't trust SHIELD anymore. That's that. Sam seems taken back by that part, but he moves on quickly, more focused on what he can do for Bucky than the background of it. Bucky had gotten a feeling that Sam would be a great person to have on his team from when they'd first met, but now especially, he can see he was right. (Like always, he gets a passing thought about how Steve would have loved to be here for this and he would have loved to meet Sam.) 

They explain some about the Winter Soldier as well, though Bucky lets Natasha explain that one. He doesn't know much about the guy, other than knowing he's a very real threat among all this. As though their chances aren't already a joke, the three of them up against a government organization full of spies and superheroes? It's a Hail Mary, at best. But Bucky wouldn't be able to live with himself if they don't at least try. It's what Steve would have done in his place. Luckily, the other two agree and, somehow, they start on this impossible mission to take down SHIELD and save the world. Just normal superhero stuff, it seems. 

At this point, fighting against unbelievable odds and feeling constantly two steps away from failure and horrific death is just part of Bucky's daily routine. He's hardly fazed by any of this. What does end up tearing him into destroyed little pieces? The Winter Soldier is Steve. 

For a long moment, Bucky is sure he must be imagining it, because it doesn't make any sense, but no. He knows what he just saw. The Soldier's mask had been ripped off and underneath it was that face that Bucky would recognize anywhere, under any circumstances. Steve. His Stevie. Sure, he's diertier around the edges, looking rougher and angrier, without a doubt, but it's Steve. No doubt about it. Bucky's caught off guard by the whole thing so badly he just stands there, paralyzed. 

If he hadn't been dragged away and arrested by those SHIELD agents, he would have probably still been standing there hours later. He's as useless right now as ever, absolutely shell shocked and unsure of how to act with himself. Thank God for Natasha and Maria, who just manhandle him to safety, despite how difficult and non responsive he's being. He doesn't even flinch when he finds out Fury's been alive all along. He's too caught up thinking about Steve. 

Steve is alive. How is Steve alive? God, who cares. Steve's alive. He's working for HYDRA? Did he really not remember who he is or is it some elaborate sort of act? It must be not knowing who he is, because Bucky knows Steve would never in a million years work for Nazi scum like HYDRA. How did any of it happen, though? Is Steve okay? Is he happy? Is he hurt? Is he safe? Where is he right now? Steve Steve Steve. It's all he can think of right now. 

Unsurprisingly, Sam's the first one that manages to approach Bucky and get him to talk. Sam's the fully human member of their trio, not even a member of SHIELD, but Bucky's beginning to suspect that he's actually got a super power for always knowing how to deal with people and the right things to say. 

"Hey, man... I'm guessing you're having a rough time right now and that talking's the last thing you want to do, but... Well, I'm here to talk if you want to. Like always," Sam assures him, pulling up a chair next to Bucky. 

"Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it. I do. I just..." Bucky sighs and shakes his head. "God, I don't even know what to say, y'know? There isn't anything to say about a situation like this. It's just all... Madness, you know? Absolute madness." 

"Yeah, we definitely didn't cover any situations like this in our training," Sam agrees, laughing softly. 

"Yeah. Neither did we. It's just... It's impossible, but that's Steve. I know it is. I'd recognize that punk anywhere and I looked him right in the face. It's Steve," Bucky insists. He knows some of the other (ex) SHIELD agents think he's just delusional and under a lot of stress, but Bucky wouldn't confuse his best friend with anyone else. Not even in a situation like this. 

"I believe you. He's your best friend, right? You looked him right in the eyes, you know what you saw," Sam says, being as perfect a friend as ever. Bucky wishes Sam had been around when Bucky first got out of the ice and was trying to get used to this world, because he has a feeling his adjustment period would have gone by much, much more smoothly. 

"Yeah... And I know that's Steve. I just wish I understood what was going on. Because it was Steve, but... that wasn't Stevie behind the wheel. He didn't even recognize me." Bucky shakes his head. "Stupid little punk. I'm definitely not going to let him live this one down once he's come back to his senses." 

"I bet not. And you definitely have to introduce me, okay? He sounds like a great guy and I'm going to look unbelievably cool if I can post a picture of myself with the two Captain Americas at once," Sam teases. 

Bucky laughs. That's incredibly in character for Sam and he's not at all surprised. He suspects Sam exaggerates the whole fanboy act just to tease him and have him laugh, which Bucky especially appreciates in a moment like this. As usual, his thoughts wander to Steve and how much Steve would like Sam. He hopes that whatever is going on with Steve right now, they find a way to help him get back to his usual self, so the three of them can be around each other. It'll be quite the time, he's sure. 

As frustrated as he is about everything, he spends a few minutes sitting off to the side with Sam, just telling him things about Steve and being comforted about the situation. They can't rest for long, they still have a world to safe, but Bucky appreciates the brief break. Between the time to process and the talk with Sam, he feels far more prepared to go out and face whatever the world has to offer during this battle. Even if it happens to be his brain washed best friend trying to kill him. 

***

As it turns out, Bucky wasn't really all that ready for  _ everything  _ the world has to offer. His next calm moment he can really think is when he wakes up in a hospital bed, connected to about a million wires and hurting all over. It takes a lot to hospitalize a super soldier, but the longer he's awake, the more Bucky starts remembering about everything that's happened. It seems what can hospitalize a super soldier is another super soldier. Particularly one close to the other super soldier, so Super Soldier 1 won't fight back at full strength. Not exactly a common situation, but somehow where Bucky's found himself now. It seems he has a knack for finding himself in all the strangest situations possible. 

God. Every part of him hurts and somehow, nothing as much as his heart. 

Okay, scratch that, Bucky hates himself for having ever thought something so cheesy. 

Still, he'd take these injuries three times over if it meant he could have Steve here with him, healthy and with all his memories back. Bucky's planned for lots of things since waking up in this century and this one had never been one of them. Who would ever plan for something like this? Sam wants to know about what happened up on the helicarrier - really, everyone wants to know - but Bucky's not even sure where to start. Most of what happened up there is fuzzy to begin with. He remembers being up there with Steve and trying to fight him, but not really being able to bring himself to do anything that would really leave any sort of damage. And he remembers Steve fighting back without any concern for any of that, making it a rather unfair fight. Not that Bucky really cares. He'd take any injury in the world if it means Steve is safe. 

And maybe it's just the optimism and pain medications talking, but Bucky thinks the situation might not be as hopeless as originally suspected. Sure, he'd gotten his face beat in and Steve wasn't pulling any punches, but Bucky had been able to sense the frustration coming from him clear as day. Particularly any time Bucky tried to get through to him, reminding him of who he really was. Maybe it was frustration that Bucky wasn't just laying down to die like most of his other targets probably did, but Bucky was going to choose to believe that it was his Steve starting to peek through the cracks, wanting desperately to come back. Besides, he'd fallen into the river, barely conscious and more injured than he'd been in a long time. Bucky doesn't remember anything after breaking through the water, but he's willing to bet he hadn't somehow managed to swim out and drag himself to shore. It was Steve. He's sure of it. 

Sam is a little less confident when Bucky explains his theories, but of course, he'd never personally known Steve. Reading about how Steve had been a stubborn little shit facing up against impossible odds is nothing at all compared to having lived it first hand. If anyone could fight back against brainwashing by evil Nazi scientists through sheer force of will, it would be Steve. Of that, Bucky is sure. Now it's just a matter of actually finding him. 

"He's probably got about a million and one failsafe programmings of what to do and how to hide in a situation like this," Sam warns. 

"Not to mention the sort of training a super soldier assassin would get. I know," Bucky agrees. "But he's Steve. He's my best friend, he's... he's my everything, Sam. Even if I have to hunt him down to the end of the world for the rest of my life, I'll find him. Somehow." 

"Yeah, well... Luckily, you're not alone. Your super strength and my overwhelming smarts? Yeah, man, we're gonna find this guy," Sam says confidently. 

Bucky holds back a grin as he looks over at him. "You're helping me find him? You don't have to, you know. You've done more than enough through all of this. I'd understand if you don't want to get more involved in all the insanity." 

"Please, man. Someone has to stick around to keep you in check. You're like a little kid. Can't be left to wander around unsupervised," he insists. 

And so somehow, in just a few days, Bucky's gone from a dead best friend to a brainwashed best friend on the run and a second best friend helping him with the impossible search. It might actually be the best thing that's happened to him in this century in a while. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: alcohol
> 
> fill for Stucky Bingo square: Reckless Steve

Searching for Steve ends up being just as difficult as predicted. It's not unexpected. Even before becoming this 'Winter Soldier', Steve's days with the Howlies had left him excellently prepared for running around undetected and hiding out with few resources. He's sure that with whatever training HYDRA had given Steve, he'd become even more proficient at this sort of fugitive situation. 

It's made even more complicated by having to keep up with all his Avengers type work while all this is happening. There's leftover HYDRA cells to take down, which gets them sent out over the US and Europe. Every minute on those missions leaves Bucky anxious and restless, just wishing he could be spending that time searching for Steve instead. But he can't blow off his Avenger duties, no matter how much he might want to. When it gets too tempting, Bucky just thinks about the disappointed look Steve would give him when he found out, once they've found him and helped him heal from the brainwashing. 

Maybe the time away from thinking about it and actively searching for Steve was the perfect move. Because despite how much time he and Sam spend researching and going out on various trips in search of Steve, it winds up not being them who find Steve. It's Steve who finds him. He comes back home from one of his missions to find his lock tampered with, the cushions on his couch messed up with, and a pair of shoes next to the door. Bucky doesn't immediately signal for backup, but he goes inside on edge, shield held up and ready to fight what he assumes is some rogue HYDRA agent trying to attack him in his house.

Instead, he finds Steve sitting at his kitchen table, bent over one of his sketch pads and scribbling away on it. Bucky drops the shield from the sheer shock of it all and it falls down at his feet with a loud clang. Steve. It's Steve. Here in his kitchen, like everything is normal. Despite how much effort he's put into finding Steve, he'd never actually thought about what he would do when he found him. He'd always just assumed Sam would be there with him and would use his super therapist powers to help ease the tension of meeting his best friend again after so long and under such strange circumstances. But there's no Sam now. Just... him and Steve, who's now starting up at him. 

"I don't know why I'm here," he says. 

Not quite the greeting Bucky had been expecting, but to be fair, he doesn't really know what to say either. Slowly, half afraid Steve might run away again if he moves too suddenly, Bucky pulls up a chair and sits across from him. "Do you know who you are?" 

"Steve," he answers. "I know my name is Steve Rogers. And I know I was Captain America before you. I know I was meant to have died during the war, except I didn't and HYDRA recruited me. But... I don't remember much. And most of that I only know because I read about it in a museum." 

"Okay... Well. You're here now. That's a good first sign. You're not here to try to kill me or something, are you?" Bucky asks. He frames it as a joke, laughing under his breath as he says it, but it's a genuine concern. Bucky won't kick Steve out, he's never going to let go of him, but he'd like to know if he needs to call in back up so he doesn't end up dying in his apartment when he's supposed to be on a 48 hour rest after mission. 

"I don't want to hurt you," Steve says. He shakes his head. "I don't want to hurt anyone again. I don't want to be HYDRA's puppet." 

"And you won't be," Bucky promises, reaching out and laying a hand on Steve before he can think any better of it. 

Steve flinches, but thankfully, he doesn't react any more violently than that. "I didn't know where to go, so I came here. It seemed like what I should do. I couldn't figure out why, but the exhibits all said we used to be best friends." 

"Yeah... yeah, we were." It hurts to hear Steve talking about it in past tense, but Bucky knows better than to take it seriously. He might not have Sam here to act as super therapist, but Bucky does remember enough of their previous talks. He just tries to keep his chin up and be encouraging, without being pushy. (God, he really wishes Sam were here.) "I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal. That hasn't changed."

"I don't... I mean, I don't want to kill you anymore, but I don't know you, either. You're a stranger to me. I'm not the Steve you know," he warns. 

Bucky had known all that already, of course, and been preparing for it, but somehow, it's far more painful to hear said out loud. Still, he doesn't let it show on his face as he just nods. "I understand. You're welcome here, either way. Even if you just want to crash in the spare bedroom to hide out until things get calmer and never talk, that's fine, too. And... if you want to come and go, that's okay, too. You'll always have a place to come home to here." 

"Sergeant Barnes..." Steve flinches. "Bucky, I don't think you understand. I didn't come because I wanted your help in hiding out. I came here because I want your help turning myself in." 

Bucky frowns. He sits motionless for a long moment, absolutely certain he must have misheard. He shakes his head, as though it'll somehow help rearrange all the thoughts running wildly in his head right now or as though it'll help him go back in time and properly hear what he clearly misheard. Except no. Nothing changes, Steve doesn't rush forward to clarify or apologize for misspeaking, He just keeps staring blankly back at him, as emotionless as when they'd fought. It's just as disturbing as last time. 

He has to close his eyes and just breath for a moment, before he can even think of replying. That's probably not the best reaction either, but at least it's not outright rejecting what Steve's suggesting. Finally, he looks back up at him, trying to come off as neutral as he can. "You know you'll probably be in a lot of trouble, right? Not everyone will be as willing to overlook everything as I have." 

Steve nods firmly. "I know. But it's the right thing to do. Most things are confusing to me right now, but this is one thing I do know. I'm not going to keep hiding. I'm going to do what's right and hand myself over. I came here because I think you're my best chance at getting me a fair trial, but if you try to keep me hidden away, I'll leave and turn myself in independently." 

"I'll help you. I don't think this is the brightest idea, but I'll help you," Bucky promises. He stands up on slightly shaky legs. "Excuse me for a moment. I'll be right back." 

And then he rushes off to hide away in the bathroom because that... Fuck, that sounds exactly like the Steve he's always known, doesn't it? Bucky had never had any doubt that his Steve is still in there somewhere, but hearing him speak like this is undeniable. It's a welcome peek into the Steve he'd always known, especially amidst all of this madness. It makes him want to forgive everything already, without any care in the world for everything Steve had done in the last 70 years. But, of course, Bucky's probably far more forgiving than anyone else will be in this situation. He just hopes the rest of the world will see it eventually, see how wholeheartedly good Steve is. It's still there, just buried underneath everything HYDRA must have done to him in the interim. 

Bucky's glad. This is good news, of course. It means there's hope. But still, it's jarring for Bucky to see it, when Steve is also still so clearly not himself. It's hard to process, as well, with the immediate pang of fear that runs through Bucky at the idea. He's afraid. That's just the truth. He's got this brave face he puts on when he's out saving the world and bringing people hope and most times, Bucky doesn't fear much. Not when it comes to himself. He's rather apathetic towards his own fate. But this is more important than himself. This is about  _ Steve.  _ Bucky cares about him more than anything else in the world and placing his fate into someone else's hands, knowing that there isn't anything Bucky can do to help... It's just about Bucky's worst nightmare. 

But it's like he and Sam had talked about before... He needs to support Steve. Even when Bucky doesn't really agree and just wants to keep Steve hidden away from the world forever. He'll be supportive. He'll have his momentary breakdown in the bathroom, where he leans up against the wall, practically hyperventilating when he thinks of all the ways this can go wrong, and then he'll go back out like nothing ever happened and be as supportive as anyone could humanly be. 

Bucky forces himself to calm down quickly, fearful that in the time it takes him to go back out, Steve might run off. But when he comes back out, Steve is still there, just sitting quietly and staring straight ahead. Bucky feels half bad for leaving him there. "All right. I'm back, sorry about that. So. Turning yourself in. We can do that. Of course we can do that. Were you thinking of doing it, um, right away? Or waiting a bit or... I mean, I'll follow your lead on this." 

"The sooner, the better. I suppose you would know the right people to go to? I think if I went to the first police station I saw, they'd be rather scared," Steve assumes. "But as soon as possible." 

Bucky nods. He still thinks this isn't the best of ideas, but it's what Steve wants, so he pulls out his phone and starts drafting a message to Sam, who will surely have a better idea of what to do during all this than him. "I'll invite some of my friends over. They'll help us figure this all out. You might have to stay here a night or two, but... we'll figure it out as quickly as possible, I promise." 

"That sounds acceptable. Is it one of your friends from the Avengers? The museum exhibits talked about them quite a lot," Steve asks. 

"Right. Don't believe everything you read at those exhibits, all right? I mean... Most of it is probably true, but they tend to exaggerate," Bucky warns. "And we're not going straight to them. I'm calling Sam first. Maybe you remember him? Guy with metal wings? You kind of, uh, pulled him out of the sky. But he's really good at all these things. He'll know what to do about this." 

"It's hard to remember anything right now," he says apologetically. "Even from those things. But if you think he'll know what to do about this, then I trust him. I trust you to handle this." 

Bucky might not know too much about what Steve's like these days, but he has enough sense to know that his trust is a precious thing. It always had been to Bucky, but especially now, given the extraordinary circumstances. He has a feeling Sam will have plenty of questions for him, even if he is the sort who drops everything and goes to help him without hesitation. This is far more intense than even showing up at his doorstep asking for help with fighting a corrupt SHIELD all by themselves. After all, doing that, they'd very clearly been the bad guys. Here... This is a rather more grey area amidst everything. 

Bucky guides Steve over to the couch, so he can sit a bit more comfortably while Bucky reaches out to Sam. He's still just sitting there, still and silent, but at least it's not on a hard kitchen chair. While he sits there, Bucky goes off towards his bedroom, trying to have a bit more privacy while he's on the phone with Sam. With Steve's super hearing, Bucky's pretty sure he'll be able to hear everything that happens in the phone call anyway, but at least they can all pretend to have a bit of privacy. He calls instead of texting, because it very much seems like the sort of thing they don't want writing down over texts. Thankfully, he and Sam already have the sort of relationship where a mysterious phone call has all the right implications, because Sam answers within a few rings. 

"Hello? Everything okay, Bucky?" Sam asks, already with an urgent undertone to his voice. 

"Uh... Yeah. Yeah, everything's okay. It's pretty great, actually," Bucky admits. He does feel good about everything, after all. He just got his best friend back. The circumstances are less than ideal, sure, and they've got a way to go before they can have anything resembling normal life. But at least Bucky is here and he's safe and they can start working towards getting him better. It's a far better place than he was in ju a few days ago. "I've got a special guest in my house. I think maybe you should come over and give me a hand?" 

"Special guest? Oh. Oh! That special guest?" Sam asks. 

Once again, Bucky is grateful to the universe for giving him a friend like Sam, who's willing to risk himself in situations like these and knows well enough to work around these less than legal exploits of theirs. "Yup. That same one. So, if you could get here as soon as possible, I'd appreciate it. I think the three of us have some things to start discussing." 

Sam agrees to be there within the next hour, which is exactly what Bucky had been hoping to hear. He thanks him profusely and then goes back out to the living room to sit with Steve. It's a bit strange, they don't have the comfortable banter and ease of friendship between them anymore, but it still brings Bucky more relief than could ever be described to simply see Steve sitting there, safe and alive. That's all Bucky can ask for right now and all he wants more than anything else in the world. 

"My friend Sam is coming over," he warns. He has a difficult time with unexpected company because of his time out in the field. He can only imagine how much worse it is for Steve. "He's going to help us figure all this out and he should get here in the next hour or so. So don't freak out or anything when he gets here, okay?" 

"I won't," Steve promises curtly. 

Bucky worries he might have insulted him with the joke, but no, he thinks this might just be how Steve's started approaching the world since everything that happened. Cold, strict, and from a careful distance. Bucky can't really blame him. He doesn't know what he would do if he woke up one day to realize that his body wasn't really his and he'd been manipulated for years. By evil Nazis, no less. Yeah, he can forgive Steve if he's a little bit quiet these days. 

The worst part is just never really knowing if he's doing something wrong. Once upon a time, he'd known Steve even better than he knew himself and there weren't any situations they could face between themselves that Bucky wouldn't have been ready for. And out on the field, when they fought together, they'd barely even needed to communicate from how well they'd known one another. Now, though? Steve is almost a stranger. A stranger with someone he holds very dear buried away deep inside, Bucky is sure, but a stranger nonetheless. It's difficult to deal with and the silence is just a constant reminder of how things have changed. 

When Sam arrives, Bucky almost jumps up in his haste to get it, hoping that having someone else around will ease the tension between them. Or, at the very least, that they can get started on some plan that will put them on the road towards making all of this better again. He opens the door just enough for Sam to squeeze through and then ushers him in quickly, not wanting to risk any nosy neighbors catching a glimpse of who he's hiding here. Sam comes in and stops right in front of the couch, where he's engaging in some weird sort of staring contest with Steve. 

"Wow. You really found him, huh? I thought maybe you'd finally gone insane, Barnes," Sam remarks, still not breaking eye contact with Steve. 

"Technically, he found me," Bucky corrects, going to sit down again and pulling Sam down next to him, before he goes and makes this whole thing much weirder than it needs to be. 

"Well. Cool. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Original Captain America. Remember me? We sort of tried to kill each other the first time we had a run in," Sam says, leaning forward to shake Steve's hand. (And Bucky has to hold back a groan, because come on... isn't that like the opposite of everything that Sam himself had recommended Bucky do to help Steve adjust?)

Steve stares at the hand like it might bite him but then leans forward to reciprocate, after an uncomfortably long moment. "Unfortunately, I don't remember any of that."

"Right, well. In that case, if you need your memory jogged a bit, I totally kicked your butt. That's definitely how it all went down," Sam says. Which... Well, obviously not how it happened and none of them believe it for even a second, but Bucky is glad to see him joking around about it. He takes that as a good sign that they'll be able to forgive everything eventually. Hopefully. "So, what were the two of you thinking? Am I just here to help go on a snack run to buy enough food to hide out here for a while?" 

"No. I'm turning myself in. I don't want to run around without consequences after everything I did," Steve insists, plainly as when he'd first told Bucky about it, as though it isn't a monumental decision that most people in his shoes would definitely not take. 

Sam is clearly just as taken aback as Bucky had been. "Oh. That's unexpected. Jeez, man, you're just like they describe you in all the museums and history exhibits, aren't you? Okay. Well. Turning yourself in. I'm not sure how much help I'd be in all of this... Don't you think this is more up Nat's lane, Bucky?" 

"I mean... logistically and as for resources? Yes, she probably would be better. But I needed someone here who could keep us calm while we navigate this. I couldn't think of anyone better at that than you," Bucky explains. 

"Well, I'm honored. I think I should definitely get a promotion at the VA with such a glowing review from Captain America himself," Sam decides, laughing a bit. "First thing's first. A meeting this important needs coffee to fuel us." 

Bucky decides to make himself useful in that way and he speeds off to the kitchen to get started on a pot. And then he remembers that there's two super soldiers in their little group and adds a second pot to the stove. It certainly won't go to waste in this household. When he comes back outside, Sam has managed to find some loose scraps of paper and he and Steve are bent over the coffee table, scribbling away. Bucky takes a peek and decides it's too scattered to make sense of at a glance, but sees a pros and cons list, as well as a few brainstorming bubbles about who they might go to first and how they'll breach the topic. 

Bucky has a feeling that Sam feels just as uncertain about this situation as Bucky does, but instead of being put off by it, Sam just acts as calmly as ever and approaches the situation head on to make a plan. It's why Sam's one of the best leaders Bucky knows and why he can't think of anyone better to help Steve. Bucky sits down on the rug between them, after putting down their mugs so they can all be properly caffeinated while they try to work all this out. Now that he's sitting down, Sam pushes the scrap of paper closer to Bucky so he can read through it properly. Bucky nods along and tries to think of how he might add to any of this.

"Tony's probably... big risk, big reward," Bucky notes, pointing to Tony's name in the corner of the paper devoted to ideas as to who Steve should turn himself over to originally to start the process. "I'm not sure it'd be so easy to convince him to take Steve's side in this, he wasn't exactly happy about me trying to find him during all this time, but if we do convince him... well, he'd definitely be a powerful tool to have during this whole process. Money wise, legally, and with public opinion, too." 

"I'm not concerned with anyone being on my side. I just want to get this done as soon and as fairly as possible," Steve insists. 

"Yeah, I know. You're incredibly fair and altruistic and put the rest of us to shame, Steve," Sam agrees, rolling his eyes. "But the truth is, in a case like this, you need all the help you can get. Having someone like Stark on your side and sticking up for you is what you'd need to make it a fair fight. Something so public... Everyone will have made up their minds already. You need a nudge in your favor." 

Steve sighs, exasperated. It doesn't fit the character of obedient human weapon like the Winter Soldier often comes off as, something Bucky is endlessly thankful for. Even if Steve is being a bit sassy with them. "Very well. If you think it's necessary, we'll do it." 

"Thanks, Steve. At least someone is content to listen to my ideas," Sam says, shooting a glance at Bucky. 

Bucky just shrugs. "I'm just here to keep your head from getting too big. Now, Steve, Tony's pretty friendly. He likes most people, given the chance. But he's also pretty rash sometimes and doesn't necessarily think things through before doing them. A little like you were, actually. So we can get him to like you, I'm sure, but we be careful that we don't give him any reason to wanna make any rash decisions regarding you, okay?" 

"Of course. If it would calm you, I can study him tonight. I've done undercover missions before, I'm quite sure I can approach him as a character he would most like," Steve suggests. 

"That's..." Bucky winces. Not exactly where he was going with this. "Let's just take it little by little and see what happens. I'm sure you can just be yourself." 

"Be myself..." Steve repeats. He nods. "Understood." 

Bucky exchanges a glance with Sam, who just shrugs. Yeah, this might be a little harder than he'd originally anticipated. But it's fine. They can do this. He's sure that with enough patience and work, they can do this. Steve will be free soon enough, he'll heal, he'll go back to who he once was, or as close as one can be given his experiences. They can do this and for Steve, Bucky is always willing to put in the time and patience. He's not terribly helpful while Sam and Steve talk strategy and background, but he also manages not to just insist they should stop this whole idea and hide Steve away forever, here in Bucky's apartment where it's safe and he'll be cared for and looked after the way he should. Bucky considers that a big win.

He convinces Sam to stay the night, because he doesn't trust himself alone with Steve. He lets Sam stay in his bedroom, while Steve is in the guest room, and Bucky's on the couch. Not that it matters. Bucky doesn't sleep very much that night. He's far too nervous. And judging from the occasional pacing and shifting he hears from the rooms, the other two don't sleep much either. Bucky gives up on trying some time in the early morning and he makes sure to have two pots of the strongest coffee he has hot and ready by the time the sun starts to rise. He has a feeling they'll all be a little grumpy if they don't get their caffeine in before going out to carry out the rest of their plan. Bucky doesn't think he can face Stark so early in the morning without plenty of coffee anyway. 

As soon as the smell of coffee starts to make its way through the apartment, Sam and Steve both make their way out to the kitchen. Neither looks particularly tired, nor do they look like they've just woken up. Bucky considers that a confirmation of his theory that they hadn't slept. He pours out mugs for both of them and puts them on the table, along with milk and sugar. Once upon a time, he would have known exactly how Steve took his coffee and been able to produce it without even asking. Now, though, Steve's become a bit of a stranger. It stings, he has to admit. The little reminders like this are the worst of them all. But Bucky forces himself to ignore it. They have bigger things to worry about today, anyway. 

"Stark won't be awake until 9 or 10, probably, and we don't want to be hanging around waiting for him, so we shouldn't leave until later. But I figured we could all use a decent breakfast and some time to go over the last details." Bucky looks at Steve when he adds, "And if you want to back out, neither of us will judge you for it." 

"I'm not going to back out. I've made up my mind," Steve insists. 

And yeah, Bucky was pretty sure he wasn't going to change his mind, but still. He'd felt compelled to try. Mostly because a large part of him is hoping that Steve will back out and decide to just hide and lay low for a while, the far safer option. But Steve's never really been for safe options has he? As far back as Bucky can remember, back when Steve hadn't even been big and strong enough to win any of his fights, he'd been just as reckless as he's acting right now. In a way, it's endearing. Like a reminder that the Steve Bucky knows is still in there somewhere. But mostly, it's just the same type of resigned exhaustion that Bucky remembers feeling so often when he and Steve were kids. It's one memory between them that Bucky would have been happy to leave in the past. 

They hang around the apartment after breakfast, mostly just killing time and waiting to leave. Bucky had sent Tony a text, asking to be told once he wakes up because he needs an emergency meeting with him. As soon as he's heard back, he'll head over. Until then, though, he's just waiting around, as anxious as can be. Sam is nervous, too, and he's never even met Steve outside of his brainwashing. Oddly enough, Steve is the calmest out of the whole bunch. He doesn't seem fazed at all, like he's not particularly concerned about today's outcome. Maybe he's not. Bucky hasn't yet learned how to read Steve now the way he once did. When they were kids? Sure, no problem. He and Steve practically had a telepathic connection. Now... It's almost like having a stranger in his living room. 

Bucky just hopes he's not hiding away his fear in an attempts to not show any weakness in front of his 'enemies'. Not that Bucky thinks Steve would accept any sort of comfort right now, but... still. He'd like to think Bucky can be someone Steve doesn't feel the need to hide around. 

As soon as Bucky's phone dings with the text from Tony, he gets up to start getting them on the move. He has Sam go downstairs to start turning on the car and bringing it out to the street, so they can leave immediately, while he fetches a baseball cap and some sunglasses so he can give Steve some sort of disguise. It won't do much, but at the very least it should be able to get them into the Tower through the back entrance without attracting attention from anyone they drive by. The last thing Bucky wants is for some tabloid to get tipped off and release the news to the world before they get a chance to actually handle this. 

Steve looks at him like he thinks this is all ridiculous and worthless the entire time, but he does it without much complaint. He's probably approaching it all like some sort of mission, which isn't exactly how Bucky wants Steve to think about him, but he supposes that if it keeps Steve a little safer, he'll take it. The drive into Manhattan is horribly awkward, just silence in the car except for the radio, which Sam had turned on because... well, Bucky's not sure. Maybe to lighten the mood a little between them? Unfortunately, it just has the opposite effect and they're all left sitting uncomfortably while the radio plays the oldies. Bucky's almost thankful when they make it to the Tower, even if it's just bringing them one step closer to when he'll inevitably have to say goodbye to Steve again. 

"Should I wait here? I don't think I'm exactly cleared to go up there," Sam says, not budging from his spot behind the driver's wheel. 

"Oh, please," Bucky scoffs. "You got an invite to Stark's holiday party. That's good enough to come upstairs on an important meeting you're a part of. You were helping me look for Steve and Stark knows it. Besides, I could use all the moral support I can get." 

"All right, Barnes, no need to get sentimental. You'll embarrass us both," Sam says. 

He climbs out of the car and joins them as Bucky leads them to the separate entrance that leads them right into an elevator up to the common areas. Mostly it's there for when someone on the team just wants to make it home without braving the crowds in the lobby or the fans that sometimes loiter around in front of the building. However, it also makes for an excellent tool when sneaking in fugitives. Bucky can't say with total confidence that it hadn't been a feature Stark had meant for the entrance. He strikes Bucky as the type who might also harbor fugitives if the fugitives were dear enough to him. 

"Last chance to back out, Stevie," Bucky warns, glancing at Steve before he pushes the elevator button. He hadn't even meant to use that old nickname. It's just what fits, even if Steve isn't some punk, snotty nosed little kid anymore. At least Steve doesn't seem to be annoyed by it. 

He just shakes his head, staring straight ahead at the closed elevator doors. "I'm not going to." 

And really, Bucky had already known that answer. But he would have never forgiven himself if he didn't at least ask again. Mostly because a part of him is still hoping that Steve will change his mind and decide to stay in hiding for a while, the option that Bucky thinks is clearly safer. But that just wouldn't be Steve, would it? Brainwashed or not, it seems his Steve is determined to do the right thing, no matter how reckless and stupid it is. Bucky, thankfully, has plenty of experience dealing with Steve and his self righteousness. When the elevator pulls up to the common area, he gestures for Sam and Steve to wait right in front of it while he goes to bring Stark over. 

Stark is, not entirely surprisingly, busy at the minibar, pouring out two flutes of mimosas. Bucky wouldn't even know what mimosas are, except that Stark is a big fan of busting them out during any Avengers meeting before five in the afternoon. The fact there's two means he clearly doesn't expect anyone other than Bucky here, which... is probably for the best. At least Bucky knows there aren't soldiers waiting around the corner to arrest them here or something like that. Bucky clears his throat as he approaches, to announce his arrival, though he's sure JARVIS has already done the same. 

"There you are, Cap. You know, I figured whatever you call me up so urgently for has gotta be good and it's probably going to be a huge headache, so why not preface it with some drinks?" Stark says, beckoning Bucky closer and passing him his drink. "Now, I know these don't really have any effect on you, but it's the thought that counts, right?" 

"Sure. You might wanna pour two more out. I brought guests," Bucky says. Probably not the best way to break the news that there's a fugitive in Stark's living room, but... well, it's not like there's a good way of doing this anyway. 

Stark frowns, but goes to pour out two more drinks before doing anything. Once they're ready, he grabs them both and goes to peek his head around the corner, to where Sam and Steve are still standing. To his credit, Stark doesn't immediately freak out the way Bucky might have expected, nor does he have JARVIS call the nearest law enforcement agency capable of bringing in the Winter Soldier. He just nods, accepting the circumstances, and goes to hand them both mimosas without missing a beat. 

"And what a pair of guests. You go all in on everything you do, huh, Barnes?" Stark says, retrieving his drink once more and going to sit down on his couch. Well. More like recline on his couch, like he doesn't have a care in the world. Bucky's come to learn that pretending to not care about anything is a requirement among rich folks. 

"I'm the one who asked to come," Steve says, stepping forward. And, though it's subtle enough to wave off as accidental, he also shifts slightly to the side so he's standing between Bucky and Stark. It's oddly reminiscent of the many times Bucky would have to step in between Steve and whoever he'd picked a fight with on that day. "I want to turn myself in. Sergeant Barnes said you would be best suited for aiding in that process." 

Stark looks over to Bucky, as though for some sort of confirmation, but Bucky just shrugs. "Well, shit. I can definitely say this isn't how I expected to spend my Thursday. You definitely know how to keep the surprises coming, don't you, Barnes?" 

"This one's all Steve," Bucky says. "And Stark? I know the Winter Soldier has quite the reputation, but this is my best friend we're talking about. I'm practically putting his life in your hands. Don't let me down, okay?" 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: alcohol mention, imprisonment, military bases
> 
> fill for Stucky bingo square: Friends to Lovers (except not really, it's the realization please don't get all your hopes up lol)

This whole process, trying to get Steve to justice, whatever that might be, is a whole mess. Bucky's used to things being a bit messy by now. It's hard not to, after surviving a war and then spending a few years working with a team of superheroes. If Bucky hadn't already known how to just roll with the punches, he would have had to learn quick to survive amidst all of this. Steve, thankfully, seems to be used to things being complicated, as well. Partly, Bucky suspects it's because he's used to just taking orders without complaint. But that's a bit of a depressing thought, so Bucky doesn't dwell on it for long. He's too busy trying to keep up with how quickly everything is moving, anyways. 

They'd called the proper authorities around lunch time and they'd made it there within twenty minutes. Bucky's actually pretty impressed by their response time. He hates to think of how many New Yorkers in immediate danger are being ignored so everyone within a ten mile radius can show up and try to claim the glory of saying they were the one who snagged the Winter Soldier. (Yes, Bucky's a little bitter. And yes, he glares at everyone who comes around to put Steve in handcuffs and lock him up. He won't apologize for it.) 

It's good for all of them that Sam is there, because he's the only thing that keeps Bucky at least somewhat calm amidst all of this. When Bucky is very seriously considering just forgetting all of this, grabbing Steve, and making a run for it, Sam puts a stabilizing hand on Bucky's side and keeps him from running off. And thank God for that, because Bucky doesn't think the fugitive life would suit either him or Steve very well. Stark wordlessly presses another drink into Bucky's hand while they watch Steve get led away. It's stronger than the last one, Bucky can tell, and he appreciates it, even if it won't do anything to him either way. 

"We should get a car. Follow them wherever they're going," Bucky insists. 

"Not sure that's the best idea, Bucky boy. Situations like these... it's like a game. You have to play along with them, give them just enough so they feel like they're completely in charge. They like cooperation," Stark says, shaking his head. "We wait a few hours, let them settle down and give us a call, we'll probably get lots farther than breathing down their necks." 

"But that whole time we don't even know what they're doing. They have Steve and... Who knows what they'll do?" Bucky frowns down at his shoes. He doubts they'll kill him, since Steve could still feed them invaluable information, but the possibility alone has him stressed beyond belief. 

Sam sighs and squeezes Bucky's shoulder to calm him. "Stark's right, Bucky. Give them a bit of space and Steve will probably get better accommodations and get to talk to us with a bit of privacy. We rush in there, make them feel all insecure like we're challenging their authority... Who knows how things will end up then. I'm sorry to say it, but we have to play along. For a while, at least. I'm sure they'll have him settled by tonight and we'll head over to visit." 

Bucky lets out a frustrated sigh and goes to sit down. This is just about the worst sort of torture Bucky can imagine. He doesn't think HYDRA orchestrated this on purpose, because they're not nearly clever enough for that, but if they had, he'd have to give them props for it. It's psychological warfare of the most brutal sort. He just wants Steve with him right now. He wants to take him and bring him back to his apartment and hide him away, safe and well taken care of forever. He feels a bit like he used to when they were kids and Steve refused to let himself be taken care of, even though he clearly wouldn't last a single winter on his own. Some things will never change, he supposes. 

It's worse, somehow, to remember how calm Steve had been through all this. He hadn't even flinched. Like he didn't even care what wound up happening to him through all this. Probably because he doesn't. Bucky knows that much, even if he hates to think about it. If only Steve cared about himself a fraction as much as Bucky did. 

Sam sits down next to him, looking mildly concerned, and Stark sits across from him. He's probably worried, too, because while he's not Bucky's favorite guy, Bucky knows he does worry about the team, but he doesn't show it. He just keeps sipping at his damned mimosa and glances at Bucky over the rim of his glass. "So, care to tell me how you wound up with the Winter Soldier in your place, anyway?" 

"I told you. He just showed up there out of the blue," Bucky explains, for what feels like the millionth time. The soldiers picking Steve up had asked as well.

"Oh. I'd assumed that was just a story you'd made up for them. He really just showed up, huh?" Stark asks again, arching an eyebrow curiously. 

"He did. He said he needed somewhere to go to help him during all this and he felt he could trust me," Bucky explains. Which he knows sounds unbelievable, he hadn't even really believed it when he'd walked into his apartment that day, but it's also the sort of thing that he couldn't make up even if he tried. "He decided to trust me, for whatever reason, and I'm not going to let him down. Okay? Don't make me let him down." 

"Jeez, loverboy, don't worry. We'll take as good care of him as we can in our circumstances," Stark promises. 

"He's not... We're not..." Bucky swallows back the protest that they're not lovers and just shakes his head. He knows the rumors. There's entire history books dedicated to his and Steve's friendship, wondering if perhaps they had been more than just friends, and simply hiding because of the times they'd lived in. Bucky's never bothered to dispel the rumors, never saw any reason to, but he also didn't think anyone close to him had actually believed them. 

Apparently, that might have been an overestimation of his friends, because even Sam looks at him a little disbelieving, sympathetic. "It's okay if you were, Bucky. No one will hold it against you and certainly not the people here in this room right now." 

"I know that," he promises. And he wants to roll his eyes, but there's also a strange feeling deep inside him to talk about it. Still, he remains steadfast and shakes his head again. "But we weren't. We were just friends. That's all. Great friends, the closest of friends, but at the end of the day, just friends." 

"All right, Barnes, go easy on trying to convince us. Someone might think you're just trying to convince yourself," Stark warns, laughing a bit. 

Everything's a joke to him, it seems. Bucky's been around him enough to know that's not really true and that when it's truly needed, Stark can be just as serious as any of Bucky's soldiers from back in the day. It's just that in moments like these... when they're not being shot at by aliens or gods or Nazis, Stark tends to go through the days just making a joke out of everything. Bucky suspects he doesn't really feel that lightly about things and that it's more a matter of convincing himself he doesn't care, more than anything, but it's still difficult to put up with sometimes. Because Bucky's not like that. Bucky sees a situation like this and he feels the need to tear it apart until he's sure he knows how to beat it, not sip champagne and make jokes about it. But... If making nice with Stark and laughing at a bit of dark humor is what it takes to make sure Steve gets out of this all right, Bucky will gladly do it. 

Bucky shrugs. "Who knows? Maybe I am. Right now, my priority is just getting Steve safe. Any self doubt, questioning, whatever, that can all come later." 

He doesn't think it really will, he's been Steve's best friend for 90 years (okay, fine, more like twenty something by his perspective, but that doesn't matter right now) and he's never doubted that in any way. He's not about to just because people have a hard time thinking that it's impossible to have a relationship as close as he and Stevie's without it being romantic. They're just friends, they always have been, and Bucky's never doubted it in any way. (Right? Maybe sometimes at night, when he's alone, he starts to think - but no. He's not doing this right now. His one and only concern right now is Steve.  _ Not this. _ )

Bucky decides he's just going to drive himself mad if he sticks around here, questioning himself and trying to keep Sam and Stark from asking too many things. So he just stands up from the couch before things can get much further than this. "Neither of us did much sleeping last night, Sam. We should rest. Who knows how long it'll be before they tell us we can go visit Steve? We should be in our best condition. Stark, will you come fetch us if there's any updates? I think I'll take Sam up to the guest quarters so we can both sleep." 

"Yeah, of course. I'll have JARVIS wake you up at the first sign of anything," Stark promises. 

And at that, Bucky goes off to the guest quarters, taking Sam along with him. He's well acquainted with these rooms, from times he's had to crash here after particularly strenuous Avengers missions. He can never quite relax here like he can in his own apartment, but it's better than nothing. There's one which is basically designated for him, right next to the one that Natasha never uses, because she'd rather go home dead tired than stay the night here. He opens that one up for Sam to rest in his own bed. 

Before Bucky can leave the room again, Sam takes him by the arm to get a good look at him. The therapist look, as Bucky's come to call it. "It's going to be alright, Bucky. We'll figure this all out. All of it." 

"I know, Sam," he promises. Bucky tries his best not to think too much about all the weight Sam puts into 'all of it'. He doesn't want to wonder about what Sam could mean with that. "Get some rest." 

Sam nods and goes off to the bed, leaving Bucky to do the same in the room next over. His thoughts are all occupied with Steve, wondering about where he is and if they're treating him decently. But even with all of that, Bucky still falls asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow. How can he not? He's exhausted from not sleeping, from searching, from thinking about Steve. And even now, he lets himself rest so when he wakes, he can go off and be whatever Steve needs him to be to get him home safe. 

****

When they get driven to the military base where Steve's being held, Bucky feels like he might just burst out of his skin at any second. He's horribly nervous, though he can't exactly say what he's afraid of. Plenty of things probably. Maybe they'll get turned away. Maybe one of the soldiers arresting Steve had gotten too eager and already executed him. Maybe they're just being brought over to tell them it's a lost cause and he's never getting out. Who knows. Regardless, Bucky is thrumming all over with restless energy. 

Sam and Stark share a few knowing looks about it on the ride over, but neither of them comments on it. They probably both know that Bucky is shot up with enough nerves without them making any comments. It's a wise decision to leave him be, because Bucky thinks he might snap in two. Or snap someone near him in two. It's anyone's guess at this point. 

It's a miracle he doesn't yell at the poor rookie in charge of getting them from the car to the holding cell. He can't answer any of Bucky's questions and though Bucky knows it's likely because the information is classified to him, he's still frustrated. He feels like he's being kept purposefully in the dark. Like they know that Bucky is Steve's strongest weapon amidst all of this and that they need to keep him from ever finding out too much about anything.By the time they bring them to the waiting room before the holding cell, Bucky's sure he's given himself bruises on his palm from how tightly he's balling up his fists. 

Stark excuses himself to go find whoever's running this place, to try to work his charm and wallet, no doubt. Sam sticks around with Bucky, though, and approaches him cautiously as they wait. "Listen, man," he says, "I know this is as difficult as can be for you, but we need to be on our best behavior, okay? Whatever we do here is going to reflect on Steve and they're probably already looking for any excuse they can throw to get him locked up in the Raft." 

"I know," Bucky mumbles, and stops short of pointing out that he's not an idiot. There'd be no point to that other than to start conflict and he's not trying to start anything with one of the only allies he has in this whole situation. "I'm just having a hard time with it. Steve's a good man at heart and he wants to be better. He clearly wants to fight whatever Hydra did to him. He doesn't deserve getting treated like this." 

"I know, man. I believe you. And I don't know Steve a fraction as good as you do and I can tell he's got a good heart. These people will see that eventually," Sam promises. 

He doesn't sound as confident as he usually does and Bucky doesn't feel particularly confident either. But he doesn't want to get into it too much. It's one thing to be quietly sulking in his pessimistic little bubble, it's entirely another to put on anything less than his game face for the world to see. And more importantly, for everyone here holding Steve captive to see. He wants them all to see that he's not worried, that he has no reason at all to be worried. He wants them to see him confident in Steve's innocence and hopefully, it'll rub off on them. 

Normally, Bucky's great at putting on acts like this. But when they finally get clearance to get taken along to the room Steve's being held in, Bucky's face falls entirely of its own accord, no matter how hard he tries to keep the brave face on. Steve's in some sort of giant container, a prison within a prison, being held in with only a small window to see the outside world from. His limbs are being held in place separately, as though that's not secure enough to begin with, so Steve is just... there. Practically unable to move, held in a box inside a box, with only a small window to see out into the world around him. It doesn't seem humane in the slightest, but Bucky knows he stands no chance at winning that argument so he swallows down his anger and tries to put on his game face. 

"Hey, Stevie. They treating you all right here?" Bucky asks, stepping up close to him. There's a yellow line spray painted about six feet in front of the box and when Bucky starts to inch over it, every soldier in the room barks at him to step back. He has to close his eyes and focus on his breathing for a long moment to avoid just glaring at all of them, but he manages it, something he's incredibly proud of himself for. He stays in place behind the yellow line and tries to keep talking as though they hadn't just been interrupted. "Sam and I came over as soon as we could." 

Steve nods, looking entirely unaffected by his current bindings. He doesn't look peaceful by any means, but he doesn't seem any more bothered than the usual amount. Bucky would bet he'd been trained into compartmentalizing to an unhealthy degree for his job as Hydra's puppet. Emotionally detached, he says, "They're treating me fairly. I haven't been mistreated and they've kept a professional distance. I have no complaints." Steve pauses and a brief flash of emotion runs through his eyes. Just as quickly as it shows up, it disappears again and when he talks, it's with the same detached, emotional tone. "You and Sam didn't need to come see me. I'm doing perfectly well on my own. But thank you. Your concern is appreciated." 

"You're my best guy, Steve. I wasn't gonna let you deal with all these guys on your own," Bucky promises. 

"Steve Rogers must have been a very lucky man to have you," Steve comments. 

That hurts in more ways than one. The way Steve refers to himself as someone other than Steve, like he's really all that different; the distant way he says it, clearly remembering nothing of their many memories together; even the recognition of their friendship, foreign as it may seem to Steve right now, makes Bucky's chest ache with longing. He didn't think it was possible to miss Steve anymore than he had during that time he thought he was dead, but this... missing him while he's right in front of him... it's a whole new type of pain. 

It's ten times worse than anything he's ever experienced before. All the time the army and SHIELD and the Avengers had spent trying to teach him to handle physical torture? They should have busied themselves trying to help Bucky figure out how to get his heart torn into little pieces by the most important person in his life standing in front of him, a complete stranger and without a care in the world what happens to him. 

Bucky makes it through their visitation, but by the time he's escorted out with Sam, he feels like he might not be able to hold himself up anymore. When they walk back towards the car to sit and wait for Tony to finish all his meetings, Bucky just sags and lets himself lean over on Sam for his help in staying upright. It's like the pain deep in his heart has spread out to the rest of his body and it just can't take it anymore. Sam, bless him, reats without even skipping a beat. He just helps Bucky to stay up and guides him into the car, away from prying eyes. He even grabs one of the water bottles and presses it into Bucky's hands, urging him to take a drink. 

But Bucky can't think about that right now. He's too busy just staring straight ahead, feeling shell shocked. Because somehow, despite all the warning signs, it had taken this incredibly messed up situation for Bucky to realize what was right in front of him the whole time. 

"Sam... I think I love him." 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: alcohol

As it turns out, that had already been common knowledge to everyone but Bucky. No matter how he'd tried to deny it. Sam had the decency to be polite about it and simply assure Bucky that they would have plenty of time to talk it out and think all of these things through, so he and Steve could have a proper conversation when Steve came out of his imprisonment. Stark, on the other hand, looked like he hadn't heard anything funnier in his life. He laughed for the majority of their ride back to the city, all while Bucky sat shell-shocked in the back. 

Sam, bless his heart, had tried to get him to stop, but Stark would hear none of it. Luckily, Bucky had all but forgotten it by the time they were going back upstairs at the tower. They had bigger things to worry about, after all. And sure enough, once they were upstairs and all sitting around a table to discuss next steps, Stark got serious awfully quick. Which is exactly what Bucky needed. They could laugh about his pathetic love life later. Right now, the only thing that mattered was Steve. (As in making sure Steve was safe and free, not Steve in relation to Bucky's love life, though he could understand the confusion.) 

"Well, there was a lot of deflection when I tried to talk to them, but they haven't publicly announced that they've captured Steve. That's a good thing," Stark began. 

"A good thing?" Bucky echoed, far less trusting. In his experience, prisoners were far easier to dispose of when no one knew they'd been locked up somewhere in the first place. But maybe he'd just spent too long fighting in Europe. 

"It is. Someone big and legendary like the Winter Soldier? If they were sure what to do with him, they'd have plastered it all over the headlines by now," Stark explains. "Pat themselves on the back for capturing the big bad guy and get all the credit for it. The fact they haven't means they're not entirely sure what they want to do yet. They might decide Steve has more value to them outside than being paraded around through half a dozen trials."

Bucky must still look skeptical, because Sam nods as well. "It makes sense. They might think he can lead them to more HYDRA cells or help take them down from the inside, but no military official would ever want to admit to the public that they're working with an enemy like that. It would explain why this whole thing has been done so quietly." 

"They can't send Steve back to those monsters to do their dirty work for them. He only just got away," Bucky insists, suddenly feeling a deep anger growing inside of him. Of course, to all those people, Steve is little more than a relic from another time who could now help them increase their power. Not the victim he really is. 

"This is probably Steve's best chance, Buck," Sam insists gently. 

Bucky trusts Sam. He trusts him to be honest with him and he trusts him to know how to work things out as well as possible for him and Steve. So if Sam says so, he knows it's probably true. Still, that doesn't make it any easier to hear it. Bucky wishes none of this was an issue to begin with. If only they could have just lived out their normal lives. If Bucky had never gone into the ice and Steve had never fallen off that train. 

(Of course, Bucky knows in that reality, they would have had to keep their relationship, whatever it wound up being, a secret, but that might just be a price Bucky's willing to pay if it had meant never dealing with all this and never having Steve be branded a criminal.) 

He doesn't have a choice, though. Bucky knows that. For all he can mope around and wish and pray things can go back to simpler times, they never will. And sulking won't do anything to increase Steve's chances of coming back out and enjoying a normal life among all of them. So as much as he wants to sulk and hide away, Bucky forces himself to take a deep breath and approach this as rationally as he can manage. 

"All right. If it's really his best chance, we'll get the powers that be on board with it and we'll pitch it to Steve. But it'll be his decision. All right? That's one thing I won't budge on," Bucky insists. "If Steve doesn't want to go along with this, for whatever the reason, then we don't do it. And we put one hundred percent of ourselves into supporting whatever it is he'd rather try." 

"Consider it a deal, lover boy. But seriously, if you want him back out and here with you, you'll do your best to convince him," Stark says, clapping Steve on the back.

And even though Bucky knows that's true, it's more frustrating than words can express and he's decided he's had just about enough playing nice for a day. So he gets up in a huff and mumbles a goodbye before going to retreat to his on site quarters in the Tower until the next development. It's bad enough he needs to mentally process the entire realization that he's hopelessly in love with Steve. Now he needs to come to terms with how he'll ever be able to in good conscience send Steve off to HYDRA again. No big deal. 

***

When he sees Steve again, Stark’s apparently managed to convince them to let him come out to a discussion room. He's still in chains and he's only allowed out to this room to talk to an attorney, Bucky, or Stark, but it's better than being stuck in that terrible contraption the entire time. And it's better for Bucky as well, because he's sure that if he'd had to see Bucky in that a second longer, he wouldn't have been able to keep up the whole civility act needed to give Steve a good second hand reputation around here. 

As it is, when Steve gets brought in, Bucky ignores the barking orders not to touch the prisoner and he leans across the table to pull Steve into a tight hug. Steve doesn't hug him back or lean into it, but he also doesn't pull away, so Bucky will count it as a win. He's content to ignore the soldiers yelling at him and threatening to arrest him, but Stark grabs him by the back of the shirt and tugs him to sit back down. 

"Behave," he hisses at him. 

"I'm just saying hello," Bucky grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest stubbornly. 

"And from now on, you're going to keep your hands to yourself," Stark instructs. Once he's sure Bucky won't do anything else stupid, he readjusts himself on his chair and faces Steve properly. "Good to see you again. You seem to be in decent shape." 

Decent shape just means that he doesn't look like any of the guards have tried to beat or starve him, which is an exceedingly low bar to meet. Bucky bites his tongue, though, because he knows that won't do anyone any good, no matter how much Bucky wants to be trouble like he usually is. Besides, Steve does nod, like he agrees that he's being treated well. (Again, a low bar to meet, considering where he's coming from, but it's better than nothing. 

"They've been cordial," Steve agrees. 

"Good. And if they're not, you tell us, okay, Stevie?" Bucky insists, even if it makes Stark sigh like Bucky's a misbehaving child and one of the guards in the corner glares at him. He doesn't care about them. He cares about Steve. "We came to talk to you about an offer on the table." 

"An offer?" he echoes. "You're not trying to cheat my way out of this, are you?" 

"No cheating, just politics," Stark promises. Steve looks dubious, but he nods and gestures for them to continue. Bucky's not sure he can explain the sort of plan without letting his bias right through, so he just lets Stark take it away. "You have more value to the government outside as an informant than locked up here. If you agree to leak information that can lead to taking down some of the remaining HYDRA sects. They'll be especially cooperative if you can lead a trusted team of agents through the bases with your inside knowledge." 

Steve frowns minutely. "My mind was wiped so often that-" 

Bucky cuts him off quickly, before he can say something that ruins this entire thing for him. Steve is different in lots of ways, but he's still just as capable of ruining things for himself with minimal effort. "Anything at all would be helpful. And I'm sure the team could set up a medical and psychiatric team to help you recover as many memories as possible. So long as you're willing." 

That earns him a displeased look from the soldiers monitoring them, but Bucky's used to that by now. Besides, there's far worse he'd put up with for Steve's sake. Stark doesn't seem as disappointed, so Bucky will assume that he did this as well as possible and the guards are just grumpy because this is all a power thing for them. As for Steve, he still seems dubious about the whole plan, like it's unfair in that frustratingly noble mind of his. It feels like forever before Steve does anything at all, thought it's probably only a few seconds. When Steve nods, however hesitant it is, Bucky feels like a weight's just been taken off his shoulders. 

"I'm willing to consider it. If it's what you think is really the best option, as far as fairness and retribution," Steve agrees. 

"Yes! It's very fair and it's the best option for everyone. Revenge and being useful. Best of both worlds," Bucky adds quickly, before Steve can get the idea that no, this isn't cruel enough and he needs to suffer more before things are fair. 

"Will you be back tomorrow? I can have an answer for you then," he decides. 

Bucky nods. "I'll be here everyday, Stevie. That's a promise." 

****

And he is. Even though Stark clearly doesn't think it's a good idea and he's obviously getting tired of chaperoning Bucky back and forth, he humors him with it. The stay only winds up being ten or so days, until all the confidential paperwork is signed and Steve's given his new unofficial job, but Bucky would have gone everyday even if it had been months or years. It's the least Bucky can do for him. Still, he won't deny he's ecstatic the day Steve gets out. 

It's ten times better seeing Steve out of that jail and besides, now he can hug him and get close to him without getting yelled at. And he doesn't have to see Steve chained up in that awful thing. Steve still doesn't hug him back, but he's not flinching and he even offers Bucky something remotely similar to a smile when they pick him up. Bucky will take his baby steps wherever he can. Not just because he's slowly come to realize how maddeningly, obviously in love he is with Steve, but because even with all that put aside, Steve is still the very best friend Bucky's ever had. He's wanted the best for him since they were both kids. 

Bucky helps Steve into the backseat of one of Stark’s limos and practically falls over himself offering him water and beers and cocktails. Steve looks at him curiously, in what can only be described as muffled Russian bemusement, and declines the offer. It's a better look than the ones Sam and Stark are giving him, who look so cocky and sure of themselves, it makes Bucky want to punch them in the face and ignore their messages for a few weeks before apologizing. 

He doesn't do that, of course, because he has Steve to worry about, but he definitely considers it. 

The limousine ride is mostly just quiet and uncomfortable, with no one drinking or making small talk. They're just looking at each other and twiddling their thumbs. Steve is the only one who doesn't seem to care. He probably enjoys the silence. He doesn't really consider them his friends, after all, even if Bucky wants him to. And as much as Bucky would like to not care and just start some idle talk, he knows it wouldn't do any good. 

When they pull up in front of the Tower, Bucky breaks the silence. They finally have an excuse of something to talk about, after all. He gets out quickly and holds the door open for Steve, wanting to still be that old time gentleman from when he and Steve were kids. Who knows, maybe it'll stir up some memories for Steve? And if it doesn't, then at least the new ones he'll make can be good ones. 

"Here we are," he announces. "We all thought it would be best if you stay here at the Tower for a while. It has great security and there'll always be someone around to help you if you ever need anything." 

The fact that the same security and staff to help him can also be used to contain him if he ever reverts to his Winter Soldier mindset goes unsaid. 

Steve stares up at it dubiously. "Will you be here or in your apartment in Brooklyn?" 

From just his tone of voice, it's impossible to tell what answer Steve wants or if he's simply asking for the sake of gathering more information, but Bucky hopes it's a good sign. Interest is good, right? "I'm going to be staying here, pal. Just one floor above you, so I'll be nearby if you need anything. You don't even have to come up to get me, you can just ask JARVIS to call. Though I guess you don't really know what JARVIS is, huh? Just you wait, Stevie, this place is just like all those sci-fi novels we used to read together in high school." 

Steve nods slowly and doesn't even bother reminding Bucky about the fact that he can't remember any of those things, which is something else Bucky files away under slow improvement. Neither of them have any bags to move in, so the entire process is as simple as Stark leading them up to their floors and giving them the access code. It takes about five minutes and though Bucky desperately wants to stick around with Steve for a while longer, he knows Steve probably wants time to settle in and adjust. So as much as it pains him, Bucky leaves Steve with directions to get them if he needs anything and bids him farewell. 

At least Sam sticks around a bit. He follows Bucky back up to his floor and though Bucky suspects it's mostly to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't go running right back to Steve, he appreciates the company. Sam tosses himself on the couch like he lives there and Bucky doesn't even bother to protest. He just goes and grabs two beers from the fridge. Thank God for Stark’s mysterious shopping services that keep this apartment stocked with essentials (beer and take out menus, mostly) even when he's not staying here full time. 

"How are you feeling about all of this?" Sam asks as he accepts the beer from Bucky. 

Bucky shrugs. "I'm happy he's out of there. Even being stuck in his apartment here is better than being in some jail. It'll do him good in every way. His memory and his mental health." 

"Yeah, yeah, it's great for Steve and we know that. But I'm worried about  _ you _ , Bucky. I want to know how you're doing," Sam insists. 

He's using his I'm Your Best Friend But Also A Therapist voice, which is how Bucky knows he stands no chance of getting out of this one. That doesn't stop him from trying, though. 

"I don't really want to talk about that right now, man," Bucky says. "I'm focused on Steve and his wellbeing right now. My involvement is limited to helping him however he needs and being happy that he's somewhere safe. The rest can wait." 

"Listen, I don't doubt you can go a long suppressing everything you feel and acting like it's no big deal. Clearly, you did it for 90 years and I'm willing to bet you were in love with Steve for a good while of those years and just too stubborn to acknowledge it. And maybe that's all right for you, but I'm not going to let that fly anymore." Sam stares him down as he says it and follows Bucky's gaze even as he looks away. It's infuriatingly Sam-like. Bucky's even more annoyed because he knows everything Sam is saying is painfully true. Sam knows it too, sees it in Bucky's eyes, and he continues even more confidently. "That's what I thought, buddy. You're not escaping this time. So come on. Get talking. You've got a free beer and therapy session." 

Bucky lets out a long sigh. Classic Sam. "Okay, fine. Yes, it's frustrating. Stevie's always been one of the most important people in my life. And once our family had died? He was it for me, number one. And you're right, I think I did love him for a lot of those years and just never realized it. Losing him was the worst pain I've ever experienced. And realizing he was still alive was the happiest I'd been in a long time, even if he didn't really remember me. But happy as I am, of course it's a little difficult. I just realized a few decades too late I'm in love with the best guy I know and I never did anything about it and now he looks at me and doesn't see all those years we spent together. Of course it stings a bit. But I'm not gonna let myself dwell on it too much. I want to be here for him. I've got to be there for the rest of the world too, because Captain America doesn't just take days off because he's feeling a little lousy. I can't just let myself dwell on it all too much and then let all those people down." 

"Man... For America's poster child, you really have that British stiff upper lip down pat," Sam notes. The joke falls flat, but Bucky doesn't think Sam ever expected anything else. "You can't carry the world around on your shoulders, Bucky. It's not healthy for anyone, not even Captain America. Sure, you definitely shouldn't talk to Steve about these feelings right away, since he's still trying to get his head together after everything that's happened, but you don't have to keep it all bottled up inside. You can talk to me or I could help you find an actual therapist. It's just not good to pretend nothing's going on at all. Not for you and not for Steve either." 

And damn him, Sam probably knows perfectly well that pointing out how what he does might not be good for Steve is the perfect way of getting Bucky to actually care. Bucky takes a good, long drink of his beer, because he can't fathom what else to do to put up with all of this. His best friend is downstairs, mind wiped clean of all their times together, and Bucky just has to stay here, pretending his heart doesn't ache everytime he sees Steve. It hasn't even been a full day since Steve got out, but Bucky is already feeling the strain. 

"I'll talk to you when it feels like too much. I promise, okay? I don't exactly want to start cracking at the seams, either. I have a world to hold up on my shoulders, after all," Bucky teases, bumping his shoulder up against Sam's. 

Sam rolls his eyes, but goes with it. He probably knows this is the best he's going to get out of Bucky, so he relaxes and picks up his beer once more. "Yeah, exactly. And if you think I won't be hanging around an obnoxious amount to keep an eye on you, you're an absolute fool, Barnes." 

"I'm counting on it, Wilson." 

***** 

The first day of Steve's newfound freedom is fairly uneventful for all of them. Sam leaves after a few beers, making Bucky promise that he'll call if there's any problems at all. Bucky promises a dozen times, but Sam still only leaves after making JARVIS promise to call if he sees anything strange going on. But thinking something strange might happen is, perhaps, giving their situation here a bit too much credit. Having problems would mean actually being around each other and Steve doesn't emerge from his apartment all day. 

Bucky has JARVIS check in periodically, just to make sure Steve's figured out his meals and that he's not struggling too badly, but they don't have any actual interaction between the two of them. It's frustrating, but Bucky knows that part of being a good friend for Steve through all this is knowing when to back off for a while. 

So he gives Steve his space, no matter how much it pains him. He busies himself with preparations for an upcoming mission and, when that grows too stressful, by catching up on the countless hours of television he'd missed out on over the years. He tries to sleep, but he knows there's no chance of it. He just tosses and turns for hours until giving up and getting up to go brew himself some three a.m. coffee in the kitchen. 

And thank God he does, because he hasn't even been there for two minutes before he makes out Steve's shadow in the doorway from the fridge light. Bucky frowns and turns on the overhead lights. Sure enough, there's Steve, lingering at the doorway of the apartment's entrance.

"Stevie? Is everything okay?" Bucky asks, immediately abandoning the milk carton he'd retrieved in favor of stepping closer to Steve. 

Steve nods, stiff and uncomfortable. He looks around him nervously and it's not until Bucky gestures him closer that he actually crosses the threshold to Bucky's apartment. "Yes. I'm fine. I was just... having trouble sleeping. I don't know why. I suppose partly because I don't do a lot of it." 

"Don't do a lot of sleeping?" Bucky repeats, laughing softly. And then, of course, he remembers that Steve had only ever been woken for missions and then knocked out once his usefulness had run its course. Of course he hadn't done much sleeping. HYDRA had taken even that from him. And now, Bucky just feels like the biggest asshole in the world, doesn't he? He sighs and tries again. "It makes sense that you're having trouble sleeping. You've gone through a lot these last couple of weeks. Anyone would be having a hard time." 

"Yes, but I'm not just  _ anyone,"  _ Steve insists. His jaw tightens as his brow furrows, one of the easiest ways of spotting Steve's frustration back when they were kids. "I'm hardly even human. I'm a perfectly calibrated machine and now everything's gone off the rails." 

Bucky wishes it were a responsible choice to just crack open some liquor, because they could probably both use it right now. But he knows Sam would just yell at him, so he abandons the coffee idea and gets started on making some tea instead. Soothing and shit, right? "Listen, Stevie. I know HYDRA fed you a lot of bullshit and they probably made you believe it in the worst ways possible, but that's not true, okay? You're not a machine. You're a human being and a damn good one at that. One of the best I've known. It's going to take a lot of healing, I'm not gonna lie to you, and it's probably going to suck, but it'll be worth it. And I'm going to be here every step of the way, because you're worth it," 

"I wish I could have half as much faith in myself as you do." Steve sighs. 

Bucky smiles, trying not to let it show too much how much that breaks his heart, because Steve used to be the cockiest little shit he knew. He reaches over and puts a hand on Steve's shoulder to give it a squeeze. "We'll get there, pal. You'll see." 

"I'm glad to have you, Bucky." 


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky's never been a particularly patient man. It's ironic, considering how he'd made a name for himself as a sniper, a profession that involves a considerable amount of laying perfectly still and waiting, but outside of work, he's never really grown past the same childish impatience of when he'd been a kid. Which is why it's so hard to keep up this perfectly patient, composed self that he needs to be around Steve. All the experts agree that it would do no good to rush Steve in the process, even if it wasn't done directly and was just him wishing a little too obviously that things went back to normal. 

And Bucky could do that. Really, he could. Even if he hated the wait and it tended to kill him a little on the inside, he could pull it off. His time as Captain America had taught him quite a lot about putting on an act. It was just in private where he was starting to crumble just a bit, when he was safely behind locked doors and no one was around to see him. It's hard to keep up his act and all his patience when it seems like there's not much progress being made. 

Steve is friendly, yes, and Bucky knows to be grateful for that. But he's not showing much progress on his memories and he remains professionally distant, even when he spends most of his days around Bucky. Sometimes, late nights with just the two of them, a hint of Steve's old personality will peek through and they'll have a more intimate moment of friendship that makes Bucky think they're close to making progress, but it's always gone by morning. Back to the distant professionalism Steve uses for everything in this life. 

Bucky doesn't think they're making any actual progress until one day, in a wave of dramatics like most things in his life, they suddenly are. He's just come back from a mission, which hadn't been one of the hardest battles he'd fought since joining the team, but it was against someone with an army of annoying, loyal til the death henchmen. Sheer numbers had made it a difficult fight and he'd come out with more scrapes and scratches than he cares to admit. 

It had been in damn Central Park, too, annoying enough already from all the crowd control it required and made even worse by the nosy reporters who would never turn down an opportunity to livestream Avengers battles when they were in an easily accessible location, no matter how many PSAs the team put out begging civilians to keep their distance. He gets back to his Avengers Tower floor sore from batting away little alien henchmen, exhausted, and incredibly annoyed at most of humanity. His plan is to make himself a stiff drink, take a long shower, and get straight to bed. The last thing he expects when he gets home is to find Steve in his living room, pacing back and forth and showing more emotion on his face than Bucky's seen since they first found him. 

"Bucky." Steve breathes it out like a prayer when he spots him coming in across the room and rushes over to hug him.

It's a brief hug, over so quickly Bucky's not entirely sure he didn't imagine it, but even when Steve pulls back from that, he keeps his hands firmly placed on Bucky's shoulders, seeming like he's trying to both inspect him and keep him in place at the same time. One of his hands is pressing down on a pretty nasty bruise under Bucky's uniform, but he's definitely not going to complain. This is probably the friendliest Bucky's seen him since he'd first showed up in their lives. 

"Hey there, Stevie," Bucky greets, trying to keep his voice calm and even. He reaches up to pat one of Steve's hands on him. "Is everything okay? Did something happen while I was gone?" 

"No, nothing happened. I'm fine. I'm totally fine, I promise. Are you? I... I know you and Sam say I shouldn't, but I turned the news on after you left. I saw you and the team in action..." Steve trails off, but Bucky has a better idea of what's going on now. 

"You were worried I might not come back?" he guesses. Steve nods, just barely, but still there, so Bucky leads him over to one of the couches and sits down next to him so they can have a proper talk, like two semi functioning adults. "I'm always going to come back to you. I promised you that and I'm not in the business of breaking promises, Stevie. I don't care how many super villains I have to personally fight off, I'm going to make it back to you every time." 

Steve laughs weakly. "Til the end of the line, right?" 

"Exactly," Bucky agrees. He even manages to smile, despite the fact that it causes a sharp pain in his heart every time Steve says that, since Bucky knows it's just something he's learned to say for Bucky's sake, not something he really remembers. 

Except Steve shocks him this time and keeps going. "I... I mean, I still have trouble figuring out what's real and what's just me making things up when it's convenient, but sitting there watching that, I felt like it was the 40s again and you'd just gotten drafted and were going off to war without me, no matter how much I tried to go with you." 

"You remember that?" Bucky asks. It's something Steve could have easily read off the wall at any half decent museum exhibition about them, but Bucky likes to at least try for optimism with these things. Not to mention, he wants to encourage Steve in every way he possibly can. "I did go off first. Drafted, but I would have probably signed up eventually, no matter how much I hated leaving you. And yeah... you showed up at half a dozen recruitment stations trying to get sent away. Had to lie a bunch, too. It's a miracle you didn't get arrested, you know? But you were small back then. Not nearly healthy enough to go off to war. Not that something like that would have ever stopped you." 

"I remember the first time you left, for your training. And I remember the night when you were going to get shipped off overseas. You found me a girl so we could go off on a double date before you left... I managed to sign up that same night, you know? I remember that, too. Mostly, though, I just remember how I felt during it. Like every bit of my being had just been crushed up into little pieces and taken away to the Western front with you," Steve admits. 

And that? It's good progress. It's amazing progress. Most events, like the night he'd signed up for the Army or Bucky going away, could be read about online and Steve could easily just study articles enough to convince himself he remembered the actual event, instead of just his imagined version of the readings. But the accompanying emotions? That wasn't written in the exhibitions. That was Steve. His Steve peeking through. 

Bucky was almost definitely too excited whenever these things happened. All the doctors warned him that one memory here or there didn't mean Steve was any closer to a full recovery. Most warned him that he probably wouldn't ever make a full recovery. But after such a terrible day on the job, Bucky's been desperately needing a pick me up like this, so he just lets himself enjoy it. Things would be a lot easier if everyday were like this, though he rarely lets himself admit it, because that feels too much like admitting that Steve isn't enough for him right now. 

"I can't say much for how you felt, but all those things did happen. So... That's good, Steve. It's really good. You're making great progress," Bucky praises. 

Steve nods. "I still don't think I'll ever be who you remember me as." 

He always says this. Anytime he makes a bit of progress, Steve always goes back to talking about how he'll never be the old Steve again. It's like some sort of disclaimer, before anyone can get their hopes up too much about how things might change. At this point, Bucky's not even sure who the disclaimer is for. Him or Steve. 

Maybe it's for both of them. Bucky's tried to come to terms with the fact he might never get Steve back the way he once knew him. He's okay with that. Honest to God. The most important thing to him is that Steve is alive and well, no matter how he acts. Out loud, he constantly talks about how he doesn't care whether Steve ever gets his memories and old personality back. He doesn't even think about it and he definitely doesn't lay awake at night wondering if he'll see his old Steve again someday. 

That is, of course, a lie. Bucky does spend an awful lot of time thinking about the Steve he once knew versus the Steve he is now. He's decent enough to feel guilty about it, because he feels like the worst best friend in the history of best friends for not being grateful that Steve is just alive and well, but he can't help wondering. He somewhat justifies it to himself by thinking about how Steve would have probably wanted to be himself as well, but it doesn't make him feel any less like an ungrateful bastard. 

Which is probably exactly what he's coming off as right now, by taking so long to reply to Steve. He forces himself out of his funk and shakes his head. "Don't worry about that, Stevie. Everyone changes with time. That's normal. You don't remember a lot of who you were before and that's... that's hard, don't get me wrong, but I bet you'd have been plenty different by now anyway. God knows I am." 

"Are you?" Steve asks. "I don't have a lot of his memories - my memories, whatever they are - but from what I manage to get, you were a good man back in the day. Caring, loyal, and honorable. That doesn't seem very different from the Bucky I've been getting to know now." 

Bucky doesn't blush because Captain Americas absolutely do not blush. He does, he'll admit, have to look away to hide how sheepish he looks. He wasn't expecting to come home from a shitty mission just to find Steve worrying about him and then giving him good news and compliments. It's the best sort of afternoon he can imagine. Still, both for the sake of humility and to try to downplay his embarrassment a bit, Bucky waves away the compliments. 

"I was a stupid kid back then. Barely even knew how the world worked. You're the only thing that kept my head on straight, so if you think I was a good guy back then, you can thank yourself for it," Bucky insists. 

Steve hums thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose we've traded places then. I put you on a path towards goodness then and now you're helping me on mine. Seems perfectly balanced."

If Bucky thought he was endeared earlier, it's nothing compared to hearing Steve talk about how Bucky's helping him become a better person. If Bucky was anyone else, he might be swooning right around now. But he manages to keep it together enough to just give Steve a friendly pat on the back. "I'm glad to hear you say that, pal. I should probably go do some first aid on these scrapes, but how about take out and Netflix afterward? We can work some more on your pop culture." 

It's a weak excuse, seeing as they both know that watching movies and shows together is what they fall back on when one of them, usually Steve, isn't feeling up to having whole conversations. But Steve doesn't argue against it. He just nods and goes off to set everything up while Bucky hides away in the bathroom for a few minutes. It's fine, he'll be fine, he just... needs some time to manage his expectations. That's all. 

And when he goes back out, he can be his usual smiley, jokester self, the perfect friend Stevie needs him to be. 

*** 

Things are a bit strange around the apartment over the next few days. They're both still staying at the tower, for the sake of making the security logistics a bit simpler than if they stayed at Bucky's Brooklyn brownstone. And technically, they both still have their own floors to go back to, so they can each have their own personal space. However, that was ignored pretty much from Steve's second week here. Steve will come downstairs to spend some time with Bucky and then just never leave, except to occasionally get more of his clothing and personal things. There's a guest bedroom on the floor where Steve spends his nights. 

It's a good arrangement most of the time. Bucky tries not to mention it, in case it makes Steve self conscious about it or in case some of their therapist friends launches off into a rant about how it's important to have their own space. He doesn't want to let that become a possibility. The two of them have always been a little co-dependent. 

Besides, the two of them are more like very polite roommates. Nothing inappropriate going on here. Steve does his thing, Bucky does his thing. Occasionally, they'll sit on opposite ends of the couch to watch Netflix at the same time, or they happen to be in the kitchen having their sad, lonely dinners in proximity of each other. Nothing less than strictly professional and sometimes, Bucky feels like there's not even someone else he's sharing an apartment with. That's how detached Steve is about living in the same place as Bucky. 

The last few days, however, have been... different. Bucky can't say yet whether it's good different or bad different. It's just different. Things have been a little more comfortable, which in turn has made everything feel uncomfortable. However that works. Steve makes an effort to eat at the same time as Bucky now and he sits closer when they watch things together and he tries to make small talk when they're both home instead of just eternal, quiet coexistence spaced out between serious conversations. It's everything Bucky's been waiting for, of course, but he can't help but wonder if he'd somehow pushed Steve towards this before he was ready and that just sets off a deep wave of guilt deep inside him.

It probably has more to do with Bucky just never winning than anything about Steve and him, but it still makes being at home a precarious situation. Does he encourage it and risk making Steve uncomfortable? Does he try to ignore it and risk making Steve feel like he's being pushed away? It's a difficult balance. It's a situation made more difficult by the fact that Steve seems to be extremely well trained in reading people, no matter the situation. Bucky thinks he's doing an excellent job at hiding all his inner turmoil, until one morning when Steve sits him down at the breakfast table with no warning. 

"What's been going on with you these last few days, Bucky?" Steve asks. 

Bucky frowns. He tries to pretend like he has no idea what Steve is even talking about, but he hasn't even finished his first cup of coffee of the day. He's still entirely useless. After a few seconds of useless stammering, he sighs. "Am I that obvious?" 

"No," Steve assures him. "I just know you very well and I've had years of training at reading people." 

"Right. Of course." Bucky sighs. He deserves it for having not realized that beforehand. That should have been obvious to him, even without Steve having told him so. He'd been foolish to ever think he could hide something in this household. "I'm okay. I swear. I've just been dealing with some personal issues. That's all." 

"Personal issues? Are those personal issues related to me, by any chance?" he asks again. Steve never had been one for beating around the bush. 

"Ah, jeez, Stevie. Let me at least get some caffeine in me before we dive into all of this. I don't know if you remember this about me yet, but I'm absolutely useless in the morning before I get enough coffee." 

Bucky leaves it at that and stands up to go brew a pot of the strongest coffee they have. Logically, he knows he shouldn't tell Steve the real reason Bucky's been having a difficult time lately. He should just lie and come up with something else that would conceivably bring a lot of stress into his life. He could just say it's all the work with the Avengers. It would be believable to just about anyone. That's the problem, though. Steve's too good to be lied to. He'd see right through it. 

But just straight out telling Steve that Bucky's been having a hard time because of him? That's a ticket for disaster. Bucky doesn't need a psychology degree or experience in therapy to know that. The best he can do, he figures, is to just try to tell it to him in as gently a way as possible. Hopefully it won't blow up in his face like everything else in his life. 

He takes his time with his coffee and Steve just sits there, not rushing him along, because sometimes Steve still acts like a machine with no emotions and endless patience. Bucky knows he should try discouraging that, but in moments like these, it really does come in handy. Once he has his coffee, Bucky takes a long sip that burns his tongue and does its job in giving him a jolt to wake up. Now. Now he's ready to start unpacking this absolutey shitshow that his life has become. 

"Before anything, Steve, I just want you to know I'm real proud of how much progress you've made and that I care about you a lot. You. Not just the memory of who you are," Bucky starts. 

"Which is your way of saying that you've been acting strange because of me," Steve deadpans. 

Which... okay, maybe Bucky's opening wasn't the best, but jeez, it sounds way worse when Steve puts it that way. "No! I mean, well, yes, sort of. But not really. Not the way you're thinking." 

"I don't think that comes off as encouraging as you want it to," Steve says. It's... almost a joke, which is actually a good sign all things considered. Bucky might have even laughed if he wasn't so stressed these days. 

"No, I guess not." Bucky chuckles half heartedly. "Sorry, Stevie. You know I'm kind of a mess at these things. Or... well, I don't know if you know, but you did before. I was always an absolute mess. at these sort of things. I couldn't get my feelings straight, never any good at talking things out, just a mess all around. You used to be one of the only people who could make any sense of me when I was in one of my moods." 

"Huh. I think I do remember that, sort of. Maybe not actually remembering anything specific, but I do have... this sort of feeling that I can't just ignore whatever's happening with you. Like it's my responsibility to look after you and make sure you're okay. I can't explain it, it's just... the only thing that feels right." 

Bucky smiles softly. He's endeared by that, of course he is. Who the hell wouldn't be? Steve's still the best person he knows, even with everything that's been happening, and hearing him say he cares is the best present Bucky could ever ask for. But that's part of the problem, isn't it? The way his heart keeps relying on Steve, no matter how much he tries to distance himself from him. A bit of distance would do them both good. Bucky's accepted that Steve isn't the same Steve he fell in love with once, but he's not sure if his heart has finished processing it yet. Maybe the time apart would help with that. 

And as for Steve... Well, Bucky appreciates him being there for him and his heart just about aches with love to know that even with most of his memories missing and years of horrible brainwashing and torture from HYDRA under his belt, Steve still wants to look out for him. Steve, who of all people, is probably the last one who should let himself worry about anyone else and should definitely not worry himself over taking care of Bucky. He wishes he could just reject it completely, show Steve that he's a big kid who can take care of himself and that he has nothing to worry about, but Bucky's never been the strong one between them. 

Still. He has to try. 

He reaches forward to pat Steve's hand, slowly so Steve has plenty of time to anticipate the movement and stop him if he wants to. It's something they'd had to work on since the first night, when Steve was twitchy and scared of everything. But now, just barely a week later, Steve barely flinches when Bucky reaches out to touch him. Bucky takes full advantage of that, no matter how selfish it is, and squeezes his hand. 

"That's really sweet, Steve, but it's not your responsibility to look after me. Not then, not now. You know that, right?" 

"Of course I know that." Steve scoffs. He's always a bit sensitive when he thinks someone is questioning his intelligence or common sense. "But I don't mind it. And I didn't mind it then. I don't remember much, but I certainly remember that I liked taking care of you, no matter how much you insisted that you should be the one doing the looking after. Of course I didn't mind it. I loved looking out for you. Because I loved you." 

And there it is. The end of Bucky's resolve and responsibility. Hearing those words hits him like a punch to the gut. It's... well, it's words Bucky's dreamt about hearing for a while now, that he would have never imagined would happen in real life. He's never even thought about how to react. It's a miracle he doesn't just burst into tears and throw himself all over Steve. He has enough common sense to remember not to do that. He can't do that. Love can mean a lot of things. He's just projecting his own desires, assuming it means Steve loves him the same way he does. He'd known he loved Steve for a long time before finally connecting the dots as to what sort of love it was. 

Bucky does his best to cover up his initial panic. "You know I love you too, pal. Always have. You were basically my brother back then." 

"What? No. I mean. Yes, of course, but that's not what I meant. He - I - loved you as far more than just a brother. You... I think the two of us would have been married if it had been another time. Going steady, at least. Did you really not know? The way those memories pop up in my mind sometimes... I would have thought you'd both acted on it a long time before losing each other." 

And just like that, Bucky's world falls apart. Again. He feels like someone's punched him right in the gut, left him winded and stumbling.He feels the way he always imagined Stevie's asthma attacks felt like. His poor heart can hardly keep up with all of this, new revelation after new revelation. Not to mention all the self restraint he's been needing to practice to not just throw himself into Steve's arms from hearing him say that. He just keeps picturing Sam's disappointed face to hold himself back. And still, he's sure his face isn't doing a good job of hiding how he feels, so he frowns and stares down at his lap. 

"We were... I mean. We were closer than any pair of friends probably had any business being, I'll give you that. And... I guess sometimes we did do things that were probably a bit suspicious. But it wasn't like that." Bucky shakes his head. "If you did feel that way back then, Stevie... well, I never knew it." 

Steve nods. "Oh. Okay. I'm sorry if bringing it up made you uncomfortable. I just... From the things I remember and the dreams I have, it really did seem like you knew. And like maybe you felt the same way." 

"I... Hell, Stevie, you're bringing me down a road to temptation just like when we were kids. Some things never change, do they? I think maybe I did know. And... I definitely felt the same," he admits. "I just didn't have the words for it. I felt it all, but didn't know what it really was, so I just called us brothers and never thought too hard about it. Those were different times, you have to understand. We could have ended up in jail for it." 

"And now?" he asks. Steve's never been one to beat around the bush, not back then and definitely not now. He reaches forward to put his hand on top of Bucky's and Bucky doesn't have the heart to pull it back the way he knows he should. "How do you feel about him now? Or me?" 

"You really know how to make life hard for a fella, huh, Stevie?" Bucky laughs, no humor to be found in his voice. Be responsible, he tells himself. Don't lie, just avoid. What would Sam say? Say that. Just to be what Steve needs from you, he reminds himself, not what you want. He's the one that matters, not you. And despite all that running through his brain, when Bucky opens his mouth, what comes out is,, "You're the only there's ever been for me, Stevie. Of course I still love you. It just took me close to a century to get my head out of my ass enough to realize that." 

"Well, thank God you did eventually." Steve lets go of Bucky's hand, but only to stand up and go around the table, to stand directly in front of him. He reaches down to pull him up to his feet, and Bucky is still just lost enough in all the emotions and confusion that he lets it happen without any sort of protest. Bucky only starts coming to his senses by the time Steve has him up against a counter, with his arms on either side of him. "I know it's been a while, but I still remember the mechanics of all this, you know? It might even be the same as it's always been." 

Bucky's thinking straight enough now that when Steve leans in to kiss him, he ducks out of his reach and steps away from him again. He shakes his head. "Stevie... God, I love you so much. Please don't think this is about that. I loved you then and I love you now. But we can't do this. You're not in the right state for it. Hell, the fact you're referring to this as 'mechanics' is probably a big enough red flag." 

"So I'll switch my vocabulary around a bit. It's hardly the end of the world. I don't understand what the problem is. You love me and I... I don't ever feel as close to human again as when I'm around you. I want this. Don't you?" Steve frowns down at him, but at least doesn't try to close the distance between them again. 

"Jeez, Stevie... Of course I want this. I love you so much that it hurts. But that's why I can't do this. Not right now and not like this. I love you too much for that. I love you enough to not do the selfish thing and step back when you're doing something that might hurt you. I'm not going to let you hurt yourself to get to me." And as hard as this is to do, it's somewhat familiar. It reminds him of all those times when Steve was little and Bucky had to talk him down from fights he could never win. Or the half a dozen times he'd tried to convince him not to enlist in the army. It had never worked very well back then, but he's still going to try his hardest now. 

And fuck, it's hard not to budge. It's hard enough to ignore how his heart aches and longs, even worse when he sees Steve’s usual steely mask take over his face again, probably ready to retreat into himself and pretend nothing had ever happened. Steve stiffens from head to toe and nods. "Very well. I think I should probably go back to my own floor." 

"You don't have to," Bucky says, but Steve's already halfway to the elevator. 

Well... That went as terrible as Bucky would have imagined. He's got a heavy heart as he trudges off to his bedroom. No need to hang around in the living area if he's going to be alone anyway. He doesn't regret reacting the way he did. It really is what's best for Steve and he's willing to suffer a lot worse than a broken heart for him. Still, it makes for a pretty depressing night of laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. He sends off an SOS text to Sam for a morning meet up and then rolls over to try and sleep. Hopefully Steve is doing the same upstairs. 


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky wakes up from a not so restful sleep feeling like the world's biggest asshole. He knows he did the right thing, pushing Steve away like that, but all he can think of is the look on Steve's face when he'd gone away. He'd put up all his old guards again, trying to pretend he's just some emotionless robot, but Bucky can read his best friend well enough to see the pain that had been hiding just underneath the surface. 

It's hard to be the bigger person when he just wants to hide away in Steve's arms for the rest of their lives and never worry about all the rest. He already has enough to hate HYDRA for, but he'll just go ahead and add 'taking away the chance that the love of my life and I can be together without complications' to it. He feels like an ass for pushing Steve away, but he'd feel like an ass for accepting him and taking advantage of him in the state he's currently in. He just can't win. He just wants to punch a wall and yell until his body hurts as much as his soul. 

Luckily, Sam shows up in the early morning to drag him out of his pathetic wallowing. If it was up to him and Steve, they'd probably just sulk in their respective quiet corners until one day when they'd just pretend nothing had ever happened. It's a miracle they'd made it as far as they did back in the 40s. They didn't have Sam there to force them towards competence or to drag them out of bed. 

"You're a national icon, man. I used to have comic posters of you up on my bedroom wall, you're not allowed to lay here, looking pathetic and ruining childhood dreams everywhere," Sam declares, pulling the sheets off Bucky and hauling him up off the bed. 

Bucky snorts. "I've seen those comic versions of me. There was so much artistic liberty taken there, I don't think they count as me anymore. So I'm free to do whatever I want." 

Sam rolls his eyes. "Sure, but then you'll never get to hear my life changing advice. It's your call, Bucky." 

Obviously, Bucky follows Sam out to the kitchen, so they can mull the situation over with some strong coffee. He's a bit of an idiot, but he's not enough of an idiot to turn Sam away when he's trying to help him. No matter how much he wants to wallow and let life pass him by, he knows this isn't just about him. It's about Steve, too. He needs to be the best version of himself to help Steve. 

The two of them just sit and drink coffee for a while, going over some polite small talk as though Bucky hadn't texted him frantically in the middle of the night. That's probably just a given in their relationship at this point. Finally, when Sam decides they both have enough coffee in them, he breaches the topic. 

"You wanna tell me what went on between you and Steve last night, man?" Sam asks. "Because I haven't seen you looking this shitty since Steve was still locked up."

"I must look pretty damn shit, then." Bucky laughs humorlessly. "Last night... Steve tried to kiss me. He started talking about our time together when we were kids and about how he remembered having been in love with me back then and then he tried to kiss me and... I didn't let him, obviously, but it was so hard to pull away and he left to his own floor without saying anything and... I just wish it was easier to do the right thing, you know? I want to do what's best for Stevie. That shouldn't be hard." 

"Of course it's hard, Bucky. This is your best friend we're talking about. Someone you grew up with and have loved for who knows how long. No one ever said it was going to be easy and having trouble with it doesn't make you a bad person," Sam insists. 

As much as Bucky might like to hear those reassurances, he shakes his head. "I didn't call you here to give me a confidence boost, Sam. I just want to make sure I can help Steve the best way possible."

"I know you do. And you're my friend, so I want to help the two of you. Pep talks are a required part of my help. Sorry, bud." Sam shrugs. "You said Stee was talking about remembering things? Do you think he meant it?" 

"I mean... Maybe? It's hard to know. Everything we were talking about yesterday is things we were feeling but never said to each other. So it's not like I can verify it. He's definitely still not... you know, everything he used to be before the accident. There's a lot of things he doesn't remember yet." 

"And he never might. This could just be who Steve is from here on out. Are you prepared for that? For Steve to never go back to who you remember him as and to simply accept him as he is now?" 

"Of course I'm prepared for that, Sam. I've only ever cared about one thing and that's that Steve is safe, healthy, and happy. I don't give a damn about the rest of it." 

And maybe that's what makes this so hard. When it's a matter of making sure Steve has somewhere to spend the night that's not a jail cell or that he's eating enough, there's a clear cut answer for which way they should go. That's an easy puzzle to figure out. Something like navigating their feelings, though? Even in the best case scenario, Bucky's not sure he would have an answer for what to do about this. It's even harder to manage while trying to weigh all the consequences of HYDRA's brainwashing. They barely understand it as is. Let alone how it might influence Steve's feelings and how he  _ loves _ .

It all just makes Bucky want to bash his head up against a wall until he passes out. Maybe he'd wake up back home in his home with Stevie, before the war had even started. That was probably the last time in his life that things made sense. Sam looks sympathetic, at least. 

"I know you'll hate me for this, but you need to talk to him," Sam says. 

"And say what? I can talk, sure, I'm just... I'm no good at saying the right things, Sam. There's a reason Steve was the one who was supposed to be Cap and I was just the quiet shadow that followed behind and did the things he couldn't," Bucky reminded him. Sam was a great friend in situations like this and Bucky would probably keep calling him for help for a long time, but it could get frustrating sometimes how everything seemed so simple to Sam, while it tangled itself up into endless problems in Bucky's mind. 

"I can't tell you what to say. It has to come from you." Sam shakes his head. "But...I think it's worth you talking to Steve about this. Properly. As in, if this is something you both want, maybe talk about giving it a chance. Don't get me wrong, you both have to be careful and there's probably about a million boundaries you have to make sure to establish beforehand, but if this is as close to before as Steve is going to get... He deserves a full second chance at life, as who he is now, not just being sheltered endlessly for the sake of a man who might not even exist anymore." 

Bucky frowns. "You don't think... I mean, aren't you the one who pulled me aside to make sure I wouldn't come onto him before he was ready?" 

"Sure." He shrugs. "And you didn't, did you? He approached you? Rules aren't set in stone, man. You both need to talk. Now, I'll go get him, bring him down, and stick around a few minutes to make sure you actually start talking and not just pulling that 'I'm a super soldier so I'm too macho to talk about my feelings' crap." 

Great. It seems that anytime Bucky thinks he's just about to figure his life out, all the rules change again and he's left floundering. He feels selfish for thinking it, especially when he considers how much more difficult it must be for Steve, but Bucky figures all his years of service have earned him a moment or two of selfishness. 

He doesn't go with Sam to get Steve, which leaves him sitting alone at the table. He wonders if he should make more coffee or tea or anything at all, but it feels far too tryhard, so he just sits and fiddles until he hears the elevator ding and Steve and Sam come back in. He wasn't confident to begin with, but when Steve walks in, he's more sure than ever that he's not ready for any of this. Even just seeing Steve walk in knocks the breath out of him and God, it was hard enough keeping him at a healthy distance once, he doesn't know how he'll do it again. He just hopes Sam knows what he's doing, pulling Bucky's world out from under him like this. 

Steve is still as steely as last night and his face betrays absolutely nothing as he pulls up a chair to sit at the table with them. Bucky's nervous about that, but it's probably a good sign that Steve had agreed to come see him in the first place, right? He hopes it is and that he's not just reading too heavily into it. Sam sits between the two of them and glances at the two of them with a look that's eerily similar to their middle school principal whenever he'd called Steve and Bucky into his office for causing trouble. 

"I'm about to start charging you both for all the free social work I have to do to keep both your dumb asses semi-functional," Sam grumbles. 

"He means that affectionately," Bucky interjects quickly, before Steve can take that the wrong way and feel insulted. "Sam just has a funny way of showing his affection." 

" _ Sam  _ has a funny way of showing affection? Please, all of you on that team have a funny way of showing affection. But yeah, Steve, I'm just pulling your leg," Sam assures him. Steve nods. It's stiff, but apparently enough for Sam to continue. "I'm gonna head out in a minute, so I'm gonna need you two to get your heads out your asses and actually use your words for once, okay? I don't know what the right answer for any of this is. I don't think there even is a right answer. But I can see clear as day that everything you're both doing is because you think it's what's best for the other person. That says a lot already. So maybe... talk it out instead of retreating to your respective caves?" 

"Easy for you to say," Bucky grumbles. 

Sam looks at him sternly. "Chin up, Bucky. I'm going to go ahead and enjoy all the amenities on the common room floor, so if things go terribly, you know where to find me." 

He leaves them after that, taking the elevator down while whistling without a care in the world. He probably isn't worried at all. Sam's good at making things work out and he's better at keeping his cool than most of the Commandos Bucky met in his time abroad, which is saying quite a lot. Bucky... Well, he's never thought of himself as a coward, but it's easy to feel like one right now, watching silently as Steve stares at him. 

He keeps waiting for Steve to start them off, to give him a clue of what direction to take them in, but Steve gives him nothing to work with. He's infuriatingly good at showing no hint of what's going on in his mind. Bucky can't even see that hint of the Steve he once knew peering through to give him a hint now, the way he had yesterday. Steve's not going to extend him an olive branch to get through this, so Bucky takes a deep breath and decides to put his big boy pants on. 

"Listen, Steve... Yesterday wasn't about me not caring or wanting to push you aside. Yesterday was about me loving you so much, that I'm willing to do whatever I need to for your sake, even if it means having to put some distance between us," Bucky explains. 

Steve's jaw hardens and he scowls down at the table, avoiding most eye contact like he did the first day he'd arrived. It makes Bucky realize, regretfully, how much progress they'd really made in the last few weeks. "You care for me so you made all those decisions for me? Don't you think I deserve a say as well?" 

Bucky starts to argue, before realizing there's really nothing at all he can say in defense of that, because Steve's right. He'd been sort of a dick in that regard. He sighs and lets his shoulders droop ever so slightly. "You're right. I didn't think of it that way. I was so worried you might be pressured into doing something, I figured it would be best if I just didn't say anything about it at all. In retrospect... Yeah, I probably shoulda tried to have a conversation with you about it, but I was just doing what I thought would be best for you. You've gotta believe that, Stevie." 

"I do." Steve sighs. "I may not remember much, but I remember enough to know that you were constantly doing things without consulting me because you thought it would be best for me. I guess it's nice to see some things never change." 

"They really don't," Bucky agrees. "So... Give me another chance? We can redo yesterday's conversation, except actually talk this time. I don't want to lose you, Stevie. I just want to make sure having you doesn't hurt either of us."

"I want that too, Bucky. Because I'm done being told what to do by other people," Steve insists. Bucky hopes that doesn't include the US Government, because then their plea deal is in a bit of danger, but he doesn't mention it now. He just nods and reaches forward to take Steve's hand. But Steve just pulls away and shakes his head. "Not right now. I need to think about this a while longer. I mean it when I say I'm not going to be told what to do. I don't want to be a puppet and you trying to do what's best for me without asking me first feels a lot like being your puppet." 

As much as that stings, Bucky nods. He forces his hand back and gives Steve the space he clearly needs. "Of course. You... take all the time you need, Stevie." 

Steve goes upstairs again without a proper goodbye, which is probably for the best. Bucky doesn't even make it thirty seconds after Steve leaves the room before sagging from disappointment. He can't really hold it against Steve, but damn. It somehow hurts more to be indefinitely rejected than it was to force himself to keep his distance for Steve's sake. Now he doesn't even get to feel like the hero of the story. 

He's just gotten into the perfect sulking sort of mood when Sam comes upstairs and sits down on the couch next to him. He pats his knee sympathetically and leans back with him. "I heard from Steve. Listen, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but... him saying no and setting boundaries like that? It's a really good sign that his recovery’s going down the right path. So... when you get all this figured out, at least you can know it's the healthiest version of him." 

"Yeah..." Bucky laughs, empty, and shakes his head. "A happy, healthy Steve. That's pretty much all I ever wanted, isn't it?"

***

Bucky sleeps that night mostly from exhaustion. All he remembers from that night is tossing and turning anxiously until one second he'd blinked and suddenly the sun was up again. He doesn't think he'll ever get used to waking up and seeing the Manhattan skyscrapers out his window instead of Brooklyn tenements. Even seeing the Brooklyn Bridge from the bougie apartment SHIELD had gotten him is a nicer sight to wake up to than this. 

He should go back to his own place. He'd only been here to be near Steve if he needed him, after all, and he'd just talked to Steve about giving him space. This will be better for both of them. Bucky convinces himself of that as he pulls out his duffel bag and packs up the things he'd brought along with him. He'll tell Steve in as friendly, professional a way as possible. It'll be fine. It'll be better for all of them. Maybe this will even make things easier between them. Space might be just what they need. 

(Bucky doesn't really believe that, but it's nice to pretend.) 

Bucky goes down to the common floor first, to tell Stark and any of the others hanging around that he's going back to his own place. Selfishly, he also hopes Steve might be hanging around here. It'll make it easier to let him know, after all. But instead of finding Steve - which, admittedly, was a long shot to begin with - he just walks into a room which immediately shushes when he walks in and gives him pitiful looks that Bucky hasn't seen on anyone since he'd been drafted. 

Even Clint quiets down when he walks in and Clint is never quiet. Bucky frowns and puts his bag down cautiously. He looks around the room and sees that Steve isn't here, so it's not likely it's related to the current situation, so... "What's with all the long faces? Did we get called off to some terrible mission and I never found out?" 

"I guess no one told you." Stark winces. "You might want to sit down real quick, Capsicle." 

"I've told you not to call me that," he snaps. It annoys him even more now that Steve is back, the only person who actually deserves the title of Captain America. (Though he suspects Steve would hate the nickname as well.) Stubbornly, Bucky crosses his arms over his chest. "Whatever it is you need to tell me, just do it. I can take it." 

"Right. Well, your words, not mine. Steve left this morning. Got called over to his first mission. He's probably halfway to the Russian tundra by now to eliminate some HYDRA outpost," Stark explains. 

And... Oh. Bucky understands now why he'd been asked to sit down. He almost wishes he had accepted the advice, in fact. To do so now feels too much like weakness, but he does let himself reach out and place a hand on the wall to steady himself. He nods slowly. "Okay. There must be more details than that. How many men on the team? What's the objective? When are they expected back? Do they have a proper support team?" 

"You know how things have been since SHIELD fell, Bucky. A need to know basis and sometimes not even then. Tony had to shake down half an office building just to figure out he'd gone to Russia," Clint says. He sounds sympathetic, but that only makes Bucky's pain worse. He doesn't want sympathy, he wants answers. 

Bucky's jaw tightens. "You must have an estimate for when he'll be back." 

Stark shakes his head. "Sorry, Barnes. You know everything we do." 

"Okay. I only stopped by to say that I'm going back to my own apartment for a while. Goodbye." Bucky turns stiffly and leaves without saying any more. He ignores them calling after him and just leaves as quickly as he can. 

He takes one of Stark's cars from the garage, figuring he won't care and if he does, Bucky will just deal with it later. Right now, he just needs to be as far away from all of this as possible. Ideally, he'll lock himself up in his apartment and not come out until Steve is back or someone tells him that this was just a cruel practical joke and Steve's been on his floor the entire time. 

Bucky had known this was going to happen eventually, of course. He's the one who'd helped get this deal together so Steve could walk out free. Still, it's entirely different to read some words on a proposal than to actually have Steve leave him for this. It's worse knowing that Steve is gone now, just after they'd had their disagreement. He just wants Steve here, back with him where it's safe and they can work through all their issues. But he can't very well ask the government to bring Steve back because of that, can he? 

He just has to suck up the wait. 

Going back to his apartment isn't nearly as calming as Bucky thought it would be. All it does is remind Bucky of all the time he and Steve spent living together. They should be together right now. He should be sharing some shitty little apartment in Brooklyn with Steve, just getting by, but unbelievably content because it's with Steve at his side. That's what he should be doing. Not carrying a legacy that was never his to have and wondering where Steve is and if he's safe and being treated well. He should be with Steve right now. 

In a perfect universe, he would be. but instead, he's stuck here, in a life that doesn't make any sense anymore. Bucky can't help but wonder if it ever will again. 

He sits on the couch, just sulking and staring at the walls for God knows how long. He only gets up again because there's a knock at his door. He has a feeling he already knows who it is and he's tempted to just ignore it, but he knows Sam. Sam would never just leave after not getting an answer. He'd only double down and become more persistent. 

So as much as he doesn't want to, he gets up and pulls the front door open. "I figured leaving the Tower was a pretty clear sign that I don't want to be around anyone right now." 

"Oh trust me, I got the message. But you wanting to be alone like this is usually a good sign you need some company, so I came by. It's called being a good friend, Bucky. Maybe you'll learn a thing or two," Sam teases. 

He lets himself in without a care in the world, which honestly doesn't shock Bucky at this point. He's gotten used to Sam's caretaking behavior. He can't really say he's annoyed by it. It's nice to know there's someone looking out for him, even when he's being an ass that pushes away all his friends. But the type of moods that warrant this behavior from Sam don't lend themselves to showing his appreciation well, so Bucky just grumbles and goes to sit down again. 

Sam works around him to get coffee and breakfast ready for him, which he puts down in front of Bucky without even asking. "Here. Because I just know your dumb ass didn't eat breakfast before storming out this morning." 

"I wasn't hungry," Bucky mutters. Still, he reaches forward and accepts the plate of food with a mumbled thank you. About as close as he'll get to admitting that he should have probably eaten something anyway. 

"Figured. You're never hungry when you're worrying about Steve," Sam says. 

"He does that. Just wait 'til you get to know him better. You'll start losing your head with worry over him, too," Bucky promises. "He didn't even tell me he was leaving..." 

"Seems to me like it was all pretty quick. I don't think he told anyone before leaving, if it makes you feel better. And he probably thought you might need some space too, after everything." Sam shrugs. 

"Yeah, well... You know me. I don't do anything better than beat myself up over things I have no control over." 

Sam laughs. "Trust me, I've gathered as much. Maybe this will be the kick in the pants you both need, right? Now, that's the last we're talking about Steve. I came here to distract you and a little birdy told me you haven't watched the Die Hard series yet, so guess what? We're about to watch the best Christmas movie of all time." 

By the end of the day, Bucky's still not sure how Die Hard classifies as a Christmas movie and he's still pretty worried sick over Steve, but... Well, he can't deny that Sam's company always makes him feel better. He'll let himself get distracted in the movies and take out food with Sam for now and then once Steve comes home - because Bucky refuses to even consider that he might not make it back - he'll worry about what becomes of them. But so long as he has his best friend alive and well in his life? Bucky's pretty sure he'll be happy with any outcome. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: food

Bucky keeps to himself while Steve is away on the mission. He would call it being a loner, Sam would call it self isolating. Whatever. Same difference, right? Bucky doesn't want to do anything that isn't with Steve and forcing himself to go out and do other things just makes him depressed thinking about where Steve is right now, so... self isolation it is. He's lucky there's no Avengers level threats during the four days Steve is gone, because while he would have had no choice but to show up, he would have probably done such a terrible job fighting, the world would have fallen to whatever supervillain decided to attack that week. 

He spends all his time either distracting himself with bingewatching all the shows everyone says he needs to catch up on or pestering his contacts at SHIELD to know as soon as Steve is back. Occasionally, he'll respond to Sam's messages so he knows Bucky is still alive and won't come breaking down his door in search of him. Beyond that, the only communication Bucky actually receives during all this is SHIELD's increasingly impatient texts where they try to very kindly tell him to fuck off and stop asking about Steve. 

That doesn't stop him from asking and it definitely doesn't stop him from obsessively checking his phone every few minutes, always hoping to find a new message where they've suddenly changed their minds and are letting him know that Steve is safe and on his way home. All that checking winds up being for nothing, because he doesn't hear from SHIELD when Steve gets home. He hears it from Steve himself. 

Bucky almost ignores the knocking on his door, because of course he does. He's in a sour mood and even Sam hasn't been allowed to come over and check on him in person. The knocking is persistent, though, so he finally forces himself off the couch and over to check on it, if nothing else so it'll finally stop. He definitely feels like the biggest idiot in the world when he finally pulls the door open and finds Steve on the other side, still in his tactical gear and carrying the exhaustion Bucky recognizes all too well from the end of long missions. 

All Bucky can manage to choke out is a whispered, broken, "Steve..." 

"Hi. We just touched down. Our handler informed me you'd been sending an, in her words, obnoxious amount of texts asking about me, so I figured I might as well come straight here." Steve shrugs. "I was going to end up at your apartment sooner or later anyway." 

"Jeez, Stevie, you must be exhausted. Come in. We'll get some food in you and then you can take a shower or something," Bucky insists. 

It's much easier to know how to act when the overly worried best friend in him takes over. He ushers Steve in, not letting him even answer first, and guides him over to the kitchen table. He doesn't have too much in his pantry, having mostly relied on take out during this funk, but he has some boxes of pasta and some canned sauce. Enough to make something quick and filling so Steve can rest and recuperate. 

For a few minutes, Steve just sits there and watches Bucky working in the kitchen. There's not much to do but set water to boil and wait, but Bucky busies himself with anything he can think of. Getting some water for Steve, setting out plates for when the food is ready, cleaning nonexistent spots off the kitchen counter. He suspects Steve wouldn't come here for no reason at all. He's probably here with something in mind, a conversation they need to have probably. But Bucky fears it might be the conversation to end it all, so he stalls as long as possible. 

There's only so long he can do that, though, and when Steve does speak up, Bucky can't think of any reason at all to stop him. 

"Sit down, Buck. That water's going to take a while. This is nice and all, but I came by for a reason other than to watch you pace around your kitchen," Steve says, gesturing to the chair in front of him. 

In the back of his mind, Bucky knows this is probably something to be happy about. Steve actually expressing the things he wants, instead of the way he'd just quietly and passively gone through life the first few weeks back. But the most Bucky can manage right now is to sit down nervously and keep fiddling endlessly with one of the buttons on his shirt. "Sure, Steve. What's up?" 

"I have feelings for you. You know that already. And you have feelings for me, too. There's really no point in denying it. It's obvious to anyone with eyes," Steve starts. "And I know you're just trying to protect me. I have just about enough recollections of you to know that protecting me is just what you do. What you've always done. But I've had people dictating my every move for the last seventy years. I need to be my own person now and look after myself while I get better. And that doesn't happen alone, I know. You're a part of it, Sam's a part of it. But I need you all there to  _ help _ , not to decide what's best for me and make decisions behind my back." 

Bucky nods, almost frantically. "Yeah, Stevie. Of course. I'm sorry about before. This is all new to me. I just want to do right by you and sometimes I mess up, of course, but I want to learn. I want to do better, if you'll give me the chance." 

Bucky's body acts almost entirely of its own volition as he leans in closer to Steve, not sure if he wants to kiss him or hold him or just touch him to make sure he's really there or maybe everything all at once. But before Bucky can reach him, Steve holds his hands out to stop him in place. 

"No, that's not everything, Bucky. I need you to hear me out," Steve says. "I'm not the man you knew before all of this happened. And I might never be him again. This, whatever it is, can't happen between us if the entire time is going to be you wishing I was somebody I used to be." 

"Stevie... I think you and I were probably meant to be from the second we were both born and there's just about nothing either of us can do to change that." Bucky laughs under his breath, because it seems so ridiculous to him to think that he'd spent so long without saying this out loud. "Hell, I'm not the same guy who took on schoolyard bullies with you either. I just... I want to be with you. Make a new life with you in this new world and get to know the real you and make up for all the time we lost by being too stupid to realize how we felt back in the day." 

"Hey, now. Speak for yourself. I definitely knew how I felt then. You were the one too stupid to realize. You always were the stupid one," Steve teases. 

This time, Steve is the one to pull him in close and kiss him and God, Bucky thinks he might cry from just how perfect it feels to be up close to Steve like this and feel united with him. It's a miracle he'd gotten by so long without it. Bucky breathes a sigh of relief into Steve's lips and lets himself melt completely against him. He moves closer until he's just sitting on Steve's lap, draped against him as he clings to his shirt and tries to get impossibly closer. He'd probably be fine with spending the rest of eternity there, but Steve pulls back and laughs breathlessly.

"The water's boiling," he points out. 

"Shit!" 

Bucky scrambles to go finish dinner, forcing himself to be a productive member of this household and not get lost in thoughts about Steve. Some time and an aggressively mediocre pasta dinner later, the two of them find themselves back on the couch to go back to the kissing and holding of before. Bucky feels like a teenager again, when he'd snuck girls in while his parents were away at work, and it's probably the happiest he's felt since before the ice. It probably means a whole slew of terrible things about his mental health, but being with Steve satisfies a longing he's had for years, even when he couldn't quite place it. Not to mention it reminds him of better times, back when he didn't feel out of place everywhere he went and his biggest worries were rent and groceries, not saving the world. 

He could probably stay there for hours, just ignoring the rest of the world. He doesn't want to deal with anyone that's not Steve right now anyway. Let the rest of the world get by without Captain America for a while. He deserves some time to just hide away and be lovestruck. Steve's the one who pulls away after a while and Bucky swears he might fall in love - or maybe lust - all over again when he sees Steve, swollen red lips and flushed cheeks contrasting so beautifully against his blue eyes and pale hair. Bucky's stomach does another flip flop. 

"This is great, but... I really do need to shower and sleep. I'm straight off a plane from halfway across the world," Steve explains. 

"Shit, yeah, of course. Sorry. I got a bit distracted," Bucky apologizes, standing up off of him and helping Steve off the couch. 

Steve smirks at him. "I'm very distracting, so I've heard." 

Bucky laughs and leads him over to the shower. He leaves a fresh towel and a comfortable change of clothes on the counter for him. They actually fit into each other's clothes now, thanks to Steve's serum giving him the mother of all growth spurts and the way Bucky's bulked out lately thanks to the knockoff serum he got in Azzano. They've never been even remotely close to the same size before, not even as kids, and Bucky plans on taking full advantage of it. Some territorial, childish part of himself can't wait to see Steve in his clothes or to steal one of Steve's jackets and go out in public so everyone can see they belong to each other. 

He settles down on the couch to wait for Steve to finish with his shower. He's still doing the same he's been doing all this time, busying himself with Netflix and fiddling on his phone, but it feels ten times better to do it knowing that Steve is nearby, safe, and  _ his.  _

_ *** _

Steve ends up staying the night, just like Bucky had hoped. They hadn't done anything together, which he's sure Sam and the extensive team of therapists at SHIELD will be pleased to hear, but they do hold each other the entire time, like little kids trying to keep warm, and Bucky swears he's never been happier. He dashes out in the morning, while Steve's still asleep, and comes back with pastries and breakfast sandwiches from the deli at the corner he likes. Steve's already awake and drinking some coffee he's clearly just brewed, which makes Bucky feel very silly with the two cups of coffee he'd picked up, but no matter. He's sure it'll get drank at some point in a house with two super soldiers. 

"Good morning. I come bearing gifts," Bucky announces, holding up the greasy paper bags. 

"Great. I can stick around for breakfast, but I probably have to leave after," Steve says apologetically. "Debriefs and whatnot." 

"Of course. I'll call you a cab after breakfast to get you there, if you want," Bucky offers, since he knows that getting a bank account and credit card weren't exactly high on Steve's list of necessities to reacquaint himself with modern life these last few weeks. "You're not going to get in trouble, do you think? For this?" 

Steve shrugs. "Are you?" 

"I don't know. Maybe. I don't really care what they have to say about it." 

"Good. Me neither." 

"Who'd have thought we ended up like this? Two punks from Brooklyn in their own 21st century brownstone, shacking up together despite everyone else's wishes." Bucky grins as he grabs a bagel sandwich for himself. It's a pretty good place to be, he thinks, but he's always had a rebellious streak in him. 

Steve shrugs and sits down next to him, with his feet up on Bucky's lap like when they were younger. "Other than that 21st century part? I don't know, I think I could have seen this one coming from a mile away." 

Bucky laughs because all right, yeah. Steve's probably got a point here. And really, they're probably going to have to deal with almost as much trouble from other people as they would have in the 40s just from the sort of people they both are and their associations at work, but Bucky's happy to put up with all of it. A few months ago, Bucky would have given up anything in the world to have Steve alive and at his side again. And here he is, having made really no grand sacrifices for this. He's sure they'll have plenty of shit to get through, but he has no doubt they'll make it to the other side just fine. 

Because he and Steve are both pretty stubborn guys, but together? They're damn near unstoppable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the comments, kudos, and support!


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